The Original Dark Tale of Prejudices, Ice Cream, and Trust Chasing
by written by shame
Summary: Wolfstar [no-war AU], the Blacks are the bad guys, despised by society. Muggle FF references. Getting together.
1. Chapter one: unkissed

Chapter one: unkissed

 **Sirius**

There were about one hundred seats. About ten round tables spread across the ballroom. And the only person sitting was Regulus, dumbly watching dancing couples and chatting professors in the background.

"You haven't had to come," Sirius said and sipped his punch.

The music was a mixture of festive and dancing. The perfect match.

"Right."

They weren't much the talking type.

Regulus was bored but refused to do anything but stare at the squirming people. There was something calming in it. He wished he could do the same. He watched this guy Figgy dancing like a maniac. It didn't look so hard.

"Mother is sending me to the Lestrange house tomorrow," Sirius said in completely different voice. Regulus looked up.

"Why?"

There was a sight of disgust in Sirius's pupils, but it disappeared when he winked.

"She wants me to get to know Rudolphus's cousin."

There wasn't much to add.

"Can I go with you?"

Sirius glanced at him, amused and soften. Then he looked away and hide his love behind his mask again.

There wasn't much to add.

"I hope she let you visit sometimes."

To be absolutely honest, Sirius knew she won't let him visit. If it was up to her only, she would separate the two brothers by the equator and several oceans.

"You have a stain on your shirt," Regulus pointed out.

Sirius felt his ears getting red as he brushed crumbs from his outfit. This was unacceptable.

"Thanks," he whispered.

Regulus smiled and chuckled. He didn't understand why he had to be like this. Why even here in Hogwarts Sirius had to be like he would be watched all the time. This was actually the last time for his possible rebellion. Regulus just didn't get it.

"You don't want to dance?" he asked.

Sirius looked at the dancing students, panting sweating and laughing. He wanted. He wanted very much.

"No."

They were enjoying their last moments in Hogwarts. Their last moments among all their friends. Sirius felt his chest tighten but he knew how to control himself. He inhaled, exhaled. He was happy here. He was home here. He made friends here… even though they didn't know of being one.

He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to go back so very much.

He felt eyes on him. McKinnon. Marlene. She was whispering to that brunet boy. Lupin. Remus. That was his name. He was looking at him with rage and loath. Sirius looked away. He knew exactly what they were talking about.

Yesterday, they'd been talking in the Great Hall. Marlene and him. Sirius hadn't known why she'd wanted to spend all her lunch break with their conversation.

He'd liked her. She'd been nice to him, funny and let him say some jokes either. They'd been spending some more time together this last year. She used to pull his sleeve and smile with perfect teeth. _Really_ … _like, how_ anyone _teeth could be that perfect_? He hadn't known the charming spells back then.

Last month he'd understood the direction of their relationship. He'd thought she was clever. He'd started to avoid her. _How could she think they could be together_?

Yesterday, she'd cornered him, trying to explain her feelings more visibly. In the end of their conversation, she'd started to seem desperate and with that look she'd pushed him to the near corridor and kissed him.

He'd been so angry.

He'd almost slapped her.

He'd felt his eyes go all watery.

He'd pushed her away and bit his lips to stay quiet and calm. He knew how to control himself.

 _She didn't mean any harm. She didn't mean any harm_.

But it had been so different. Everybody had always been taking what they had wanted from him.

" _Leave me alone!"_

He was abused. He was mistreated. But he was also virgin. He was unkissed.

No-one had ever kissed him. Even Regulus was strictly in the distance of hugs and pats.

He was slightly aware of his coming marriage, but he had no intentions of going so far.

That was something he had held very tightly. He had problems with intimacy. He was uneasy to be touched. He planned to stay in this untouched state for the rest of his life. And now it was gone. In the hands of Marlene McKinnon.

He'd been stupid, really, to thought so.

"Are you all right?" Regulus asked, pulling down his middle finger. Sirius almost smiled.

"Sure," he nodded.

He looked up at the two of them across the Great hall. They weren't looking at him anymore. He knew Marlene was offended and hurt, but he knew they weren't thinking about him anymore. They were thinking about the Blacks being the Blacks and nothing more.

He knew because he saw the smirks and knowing looks. He recognised them very well. He had learned them the very first month in the first year when everyone in the Gryffindor Tower had started to avoid his eyes and smile instead of an answer.

He looked better than them. He dressed better than them. He talked better than them.

He used to wear just one jumper and one shirt until it was unbearable. Just because he had wanted to fit in. He had mocked professors' talking to make them laugh, but they had been laughing at _him_. Causing him detentions and humiliation. His pride had caught him sooner than later. _He wasn't going to suffer just because they wanted him to. He had enough of that_.

In the end of the second year, he had stopped trying. He had dressed as he ought to. He had ignored them as he had been told. There'd been Regulus… and with him, he'd made small home during breaks and afternoon meetings. And he had never been happier.

/

 **Remus**

He hated him head over heels. His perfect outfit. His perfect face. His perfect walking. His perfect talking. Everything that started with _his_ he hated. He hated _his_ time with Marlene.

She was the only one who cared. She cared about her results, she cared about every professor, she cared about him but she also cared about Black. Who the hell knows why?

Maybe she was still this little girl of age five, who sees her life as a huge dedication to mankind, comforting every broken person she could find. Trying to heal their broken lives like broken wings of a little bird. With bandages and kisses for feeling better.

He hurt her and now she was finally angry. Oh, why. Why wasn't he feeling any better? He should be glad for her to finally understand the wrong. But he couldn't bring himself to be anything else then sorry for her. So he was. And he hated him just a little more.

He remembered when it started. He'd had his suspicions when he'd been in the detentions every week because his pranks had been neither funny nor clever. But it had been in the late November 1972 when his unidentified pity change into hatred:

" _Where are you going?" Remus asked in what he hoped was manly voice, but it was no use, mutating and all._

" _Somewhere that's called_ not your business. _" Sirius Black answered in firm but kind voice. Remus would use the word:_ gentleman _'s voice, but Sirius was too mean for this praise._

" _You are not supposed to be out at this hour," Remus tried again._

 _Sirius was waiting at the door, smiling. "And who is going to stop me, you, Remus Lupin?"_

" _You don't know me. You don't know what I am capable of." Remus stood his ground. Ready to fight for what he seemed was right._

" _Well, I think I know you fairly well. For example, … Didn't Dumbledore tell you to stay away from any quarrel? I think he did. And I think he was right, because, some fights even_ you _cannot possibly win."_

 _Remus stared, furious. "You don't know what you're talking about."_

" _Oh, yes. I don't. I just think I talk about your violent sick 'mother'." Sirius's sarcasm was one of the most piercing. With his eyes and sharp cheekbones. All stings._

 _And Remus was scared._

" _Go to bed, Remus. It's not your turn to be awake now." Sirius Black said and walked out of the dorm._

It hadn't been much for hate, but it had been a start. Because since then he never knew if he was really safe. He didn't know if Black knew and if he did when he is going to sell him out. And this, this constant fear, was enough for hate.


	2. Chapter two: hateful

Chapter two: hateful

 **Remus / John**

 _"_ _Dear God, thank God! You are here, I thought I won't make it to your arrival. Dear Lord, bless the God! Where have you two been? For your Merlin's sake!" She was clearly lost in her religion._

 _"_ _Kelly? Why don't you let him go for a sec, so we all could just go inside?"_

 _His mother just grinned widely. Her chair squeaked on the floor as she headed in._

 _Remus looked up at his father and smirked. They played the battle of "who gets more attention from her"… and Remus was clearly winning._

 _"_ _She saw you in the morning, dad, you had no chance."_

 _She made fried chicken with green beans and jelly for a pudding. She was a magnificent cook. Remus usually had a stomach ache after dinner, but it was totally worthy._

 _"_ _We stopped at the market to buy a fish for tomorrow," His father said as he sat at the dining table. "We picked up a pike."_

 _"_ _And I was wondering what is this awful smell."_

 _She was fairly skilful in the kitchen and she had never wanted any help. When Remus was seven he had stopped feeling obligated to help her. If you wanted to help, got out of my way, she said. So now Remus was rested in the kitchen door, watching her finishing the dinner and watching his father in the next room waiting for it. It was home, oh sweet again._

 _Then they ate. Remus was twelve. And the Christmas Eve was about to come in two days._

 _"_ _Dad?" he asked, when his mother, a muggle, was napping on the couch._

 _"_ _Remus?" his father smiled, his hands on his belly._

 _"_ _What do you know about the Blacks?"_

 _John Lupin was a strong man. He had broken just one time. And it had not been the time his wife had got into the fight in the supermarket and had broken her spine. It had not been the time Remus had been bitten at the age of five. And, surprisingly, it had not been the time Remus had lost his twin. No. More surprisingly it was the time one month after his life had gone to hell. The time he had had to chain his remaining child to a pine, when he had had to say "I love you," and mean "Goodbye,"… and leave him without a guarantee of survival. He had lost it. He had cried all the way back home. When he had apparated to the forest in the morning he'd been expecting to find Remus's body dead, but he had no tears left for that._

 _Now, seven years later, there was nothing that could break him. Once he had realized Remus could actually make it, that he could have a life of his own, he wasn't afraid._

 _"_ _The Blacks? Why are you asking?"_

 _He wished for Remus to finish school, to be safe. But he had never told him to stay away from the others, not to participate. He had never treated him like he would be damned if someone knew… if he had to be expelled from Hogwarts. It didn't matter, John thought. It didn't._

 _He had spent two years searching for information about werewolves. He knew Remus couldn't be cured, he knew what most people thought about these creatures, but he had his wife's perspective. As a muggle, she thought of werewolves as a disease. It sounded horrible, he knew, but she was partly right. Remus was firstly a human, then a wizard… with a wolf inside. Just as someone has a tumour inside. He could live like a muggle if he wanted to. He had a possibility. And that's why it didn't matter._

 _"_ _There is one in our dorm who probably knows about me."_

 _"_ _Your dorm? Like in Gryffindor?_

 _"_ _Yeah."_

 _John sighed. "And what is he like?"_

 _Remus took a moment to think about it. "He's secretive, problematic, smart but careless… I don't know. Everyone is talking badly about them, dad. Why? Do you think he is going to tell? About me?"_

 _John sighed for the second time. "We have never talked about these things. I am sorry. I guess I just didn't want to bring another evil issue into your life."_

 _"_ _About the Blacks?"_

 _"_ _About all purebloods. Well… okay. Not about all of them, but about the renowned ones. The Blacks, the Malfoys, the Averys, the Yaxleys, the Travers or the Lestranges."_

 _"_ _There is one Malfoy in Hogwarts."_

 _"_ _Well, sure. Everyone's attending Hogwarts. Is he standing out somehow?"_

 _Remus shook his head. "No, not exactly, but everyone is talking about him the same way they talk about the Blacks. Or about Snape. Are the Snapes the purebloods too?"_

 _John seemed to hesitate and looked at his wife, who was quietly snoring on the most comfortable place of their home. She should be in this conversation too, but he didn't want to wake her._

 _"_ _All right, Remus. First thing first. Pureblood doesn't mean a bad thing. I am a pureblood too. Do you understand? The thing that makes it bad is that they care about it. They treasure their blood more than their children. I married a muggle. I don't care about my blood count."_

 _Remus chuckled. "I think you should care about that, dad. It's a muggle health exam."_

 _"_ _Oh, you know what I mean." John waved his hand. "Where we choose love, they choose blood."_

 _"_ _Ye-es," Remus said slowly. "I understand that, but I don't see what's bad about it. If they really do care about their bloodline more than to be married to someone they love, so be it! I mean… it's their life."_

 _John didn't find the smile appropriate. "You're right, yes. But they don't keep their opinions behind the closed door." He waited. And waited. And then he said: "Half of their families is in Azkaban."_

 _Remus's eyes widened. "For what?"_

 _"_ _For murder, for torture, for treason, for using Imperius Curse... And all of that was performed on muggles, half-bloods, blood traitors…" John silenced._

 _The room was quiet for a long time. The clock ticked and the fire crackled, but that was it._

 _Remus was horrified. Now he was more afraid that Black will jugulate him in his sleep than that he will spill his secret._

 _"_ _Sometimes, it's in papers. The kidnapping of a muggle born… sometimes it's even whole muggle family. And sometimes there is a chance for Aurors to save them, but sometimes we just don't know which family it is this time."_

 _"_ There it is _," Remus thought. "_ I'm going to be an Auror _."_

 _"_ _That's why is everybody talking badly about them, Remus. Because, almost every time, they are right."_

 _Remus was still quiet._

 _"_ _And when they are not… then they are the 'blood traitors' and they are murdered sooner than later."_

 _"_ _So they can be murderers or dead."_

 _"_ _Well, that's the concept, yes."_

 _"_ _That's, that's just…"_

 _John nodded. "That's called 'surviving not living', in my opinion." He swallowed another piece of tea biscuit. "The Snapes are purebloods, but there is no evidence that they would be this cruel."_

 _One of the greatest thing about his father is that he always answers all of his questions, Remus thought._

 _Another great thing is that he always talks to him as an equal._

 _"_ _Would you mind very much if the Black spills?"_

 _"_ _I would be expelled," Remus pointed out._

 _"_ _Yes."_

 _Remus frowned,_ yes, of course, he would mind very much! _"That's a bad thing, dad."_

 _"_ _For you?"_

 _"_ _Yes!"_

 _"_ _I wouldn't care if you don't care." John shrugged._

 _"_ _Well, I certainly care."_

 _John smiled. "Then you could go and ask Dumbledore to talk with this Black boy."_

 _Remus shook his head in the most teenager way John had ever seen: With closed eyes and pressed lips. "That's unacceptable."_

 _"_ _Oh is it? Don't make your pride to decide for you, son. Proud is good, but sometimes, safe is better. It's up to you to tell them apart."_

 _…_ _All right, he talks to him as an equal for the most part of the day._

 _"_ _If it's up to me, I am not going to tell Dumbledore."_

 _John laughed. "Fair enough. So? What_ are _you going to do?"_

 _Remus's face was wry as was his brain cells. "I don't know. I am afraid, but I don't reeally know if he knows… Ugh, what_ should _I do?"_

 _"_ _So try to be cautious around him. Don't ask and don't bother him. If you are not going to pay him any unnecessary attention, I think he wouldn't have a need to sell you out."_

 _Remus nodded and looked at his mother. "Yeah, okay…" He hesitated. "Please, don't tell mum. I don't want her to worry." She looked so peaceful._

 _John closed his eyes when he yawned. "She wouldn't, but if you wish, I won't."_

/

 **Remus**

He was remembering it often now. The talk. He had tried to act as his father had told him and it had worked. At least he hadn't been expelled. Even though the meeting with McGonagall in the fifth year was as he would had been. When she had told him there is no way he could be an Auror or just a simple officer in the Ministry. She was kind and pitiful, but he'd slammed the door nevertheless.

Now, he could do whatever he wanted. He could punch Black in the face if he wanted to. Now, there was nothing that he could take away from him by telling about him.

But he didn't want to. He stopped caring. Now he just hated.


	3. Chapter three: concerned

Chapter three: concerned

 **Sirius**

Sirius was a morning person. He loved waking up at six, hearing birds only, when his roommates were still sleeping. He loved morning showers after he finished his morning run around the school grounds. Professor Starling had warned him about the Auror entrance test two years back. He'd panicked, to be honest, he had been thin as a broomstick and his strength had been ridiculous. If he had been accepted to the Gryffindor Quidditch team, he wouldn't have to worry, but he hadn't. James Potter had never accepted him.

This was his last run. He won't be coming back ever again. He didn't know how to react on that. He simply couldn't.

His emotions were always a bit delayed. Waiting, until he would be alone, catching him prepared. That never helped the consequences.

He was leaving. He won't be coming back.

"I want to go for a walk, Sirius."

Regulus was eating a chocolate frog, his mouth totally covered in it. He was enjoying the last moments of dirty rebellion. His shirt was unbuttoned, his tie was in his trunk and his legs was on the leather cushions of train's seat.

Sirius hadn't time for rebellion.

"What?"

"I was saying that I want to go for a walk!"

"So go! I'm not holding you."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "No, I want to go for a walk with you the moment we arrive in London. I want to spend more time with you until you disappear."

Sirius didn't know what to say.

"We can't, Regulus."

"Why the hell not?"

"We are expected."

"So what? I know we aren't going to see each other in months, years. I'm not leaving you without a proper goodbye!"

Sirius smiled. The real smile now.

"Where do you want to go?"

Regulus grinned and shrugged. "Dunno, Hyde Park?"

Sirius laughed. They were living in London and the only thing they knew beside their home was what they learned on the city map.

/

"I can't believe it," Regulus screamed and pressed his hand to Sirius's chest. "We have run away, Sirius!"

"No! We have clearly not!"

"Oh, come on, sure we did! We are supposed to be somewhere else, but. We. Are. NOT!"

"Calm down a little, okay?" Sirius searched the park's all direction before facing his brother again. He had never thought he would be the calmer one.

Regulus saw the face Sirius was doing, but paid no mind to it. He pulled his hand and tugged him further. "What is the first thing on your bucket list?" He asked.

Sirius looked anxious. That was just so weird.

"What's wrong? You have agreed with this!"

Sirius sighed. He shouldn't have done that. He should never have done anything his brother suggested because it was always something he wanted also. And that was something someone can hardly disagree.

Their mother will be furious. She will punish them. He will never…

"Coward!" Regulus spat out.

He could be offended if he wanted to, but Sirius wasn't the type to be offended by the insults, which weren't meant. It was him, after all, who had made it to Gryffindor.

"I want to swim naked in the fountain," Regulus grinned. Sirius has never thought of Regulus as an exhibitionist. But it was so Regulus, to ask about something because he wanted to answer the same question. Not really minded Sirius's answer. Sirius wanted to have sex in the water. Completely sunken. Out of breath and everything. It is creepy to have so similar wish with your younger brother. Although Regulus's doesn't need to be that erotic. Sirius tried not to think about it much.

"Look, I am going to _apparate_ us home now, okay?"

Regulus's smile faded and he smirked instead. "Are you so afraid, huh? That's funny. I have never thought you would be that gutless."

"Oh, come on. You wanted to go for a walk and we went, now it's time to go back."

"Sure, if that's what you want," Regulus pouted.

Sirius stared at him. "You know better it's not. I'm not thrilled to be brainwashed by my new spouse, you know?"

He stared long enough to see Regulus's guilty expression. Then he looked away and offered him his arm.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I didn't mean…"

"It's okay."

Regulus touched his arm and the next thing he realized was his vomit on their front door. Sirius sighed once more and cleaned the mess before they entered.

"Sir _ius_ BLACK, you ungrateful runt! Where have you been? Excuse yourself immediately!"

"He was just showing me the houses of St. Andrews family."

Sirius glared at his brother to stay the hell out of it and then he straightened himself.

"Room, youngest!"

She always called him like that. Regulus glowered and started to climb the stairs. Always as the youngest, even though she could call him just _younger_ , that would be enough, wouldn't it?

Sirius looked at his back. Regulus is the coward. He always listens what Sirius is telling him. He wasn't listening to their mother. He listened to Sirius's eyes. That makes a coward of him. Just like Regulus's eyes make a coward of Sirius.

"What do you think you are doing? You were supposed to be home for dinner! Do you really think that the Lestranges are going to tolerate this behaviour? You won't be accepted in this house the minute they will kick you out of theirs out of disgrace!"

She didn't even give him time to lie about what they were actually doing. That was good about these outpourings. Sometimes, he doesn't need to explain. She would just throw offences and slaps on him and sent him to his room.

/

The bell rang twice. The first tone was of a bit higher frequency than the second one. This was the ringtone of pureblood families. Sirius just simply put his wand on the terrifying doorknocker and wait for the house goblin to open the front door for him.

"Oh, Mister, come in, Mister. Let me take your coat, Mister. Master is in the lounge, Mister."

Sirius was trying not to curl his lips, but the house was even worse than the Black's. The Black's house was at least really _black_. With dark corners, where you could hide, and dark magic, which wasn't hidden at all. The Lestrange's house was shiny and bright and so far from the pureblood stereotype, Sirius has invented on the basis of his own experience. He should add this fancy feature to his concept.

"Sirius! Welcome in our home. Your luggage is already upstairs."

Lestrange senior was a lot like Sirius's father. Tall, sharp and busy. He showed Sirius his room and disappeared with an invitation for a dinner. Sirius sighed and fell to his bed. Limbs spread across the large mattress like a starfish.


	4. Chapter four: happy

Chapter four: happy

 **Sirius**

"It is really convenient; you see? The other families have already agreed."

It was the first business conversation Sirius was able to participate. He was disappointed. He expected he could avoid it for a lot longer.

"Rosier offered he can deliver it next Tuesday."

Sirius looked up from his plate to see the reason why he was here. Round face, blond straight hair, brown warm eyes, slim tanned arms, female sex. At least she was pretty.

"What do you think, Sirius? Are you interested in the broomstick production?"

Sirius wasn't prepared to answer that he approves production of slightly specious brooms.

"I am afraid I am not interested in Quidditch."

Rudolphus snorted and then started to cough to cover it.

"And what are you interested in, Sirius?" Mrs. Lestange asked.

"Duelling," answered Sirius truthfully. He saw the smirk on _her_ face before she covered it too.

"Interesting." Mrs. Lestrange nodded few times and Mr. Lestrange hummed between bites.

Then they were standing up and Sirius didn't know what he was expected to do next. He wanted to go to bed, but that wasn't acceptable. Mr. and Mrs. Lestrange were discussing something in whisper voice and Rudolphus started to read some small letter. There were another two men Sirius didn't know, who started to laugh when this one house goblin fell and twisted his arm in a weird direction. And then there was her, cousin of Rudolphus, who slowly headed to him.

She was two years older and about one head smaller. They called her Becky, but her name was Rebecca. And there was murderous look in her face, which was funny, because she was quite lovely, otherwise.

"Let's make things straight between us, shall we?" She hissed when she was close enough that just Sirius could hear her.

Sirius raised an eyebrow in completely phony manner and smirked. That was the expression Black was supposed to do when being around a woman, who talked to him like that.

"We," she pointed furiously between them. "Are not happening. Am I clear? Whatever you are here for, won't happen. And if you say just one word about this," she again pointed between them. "I am going to hex a broom to your arse for the rest of your life. I am not willing to stay in this house. I have my own plans and _you_ are not going to cross them. Understood?"

Sirius knew how to control himself. However, his face was aching and there was nothing he could do about the tears coming to his shut eyes. His mimics muscles were twisting in all directions and his breath was coming out sharp and desperate.

He bit his lip so hard that there was blood on his tongue.

"What are you doing? Compose yourself!"

In and out. Inhale and exhale. Simple. Imagine your mother. Imagine the rest of your life in this place. You can't laugh now!

Sirius licked his injured lip and stared at her with just a simple smile.

"Very nice to meet you too."

She puffed in confusion. "I believe there is some misunderstanding here," she frowned.

" _I_ believe we are going to make a wonderful couple. I wasn't expecting that, my dear Becky."

She was so furious she was losing her temper in quite a dangerous way and Sirius couldn't let that happen in front of all the others.

"I always wanted to sell ice cream, what do you think about to postpone our marriage to September of the next year. We could buy an ice cream shop and sell it together! What a wonderful way to get to know each other! You are missing some unimportant thing between your legs, I believe, to catch my attention properly, but if you agree to our new business, I am one hundred percent ready to arrange everything." He smiled sweetly.

She stared and stared. Then there was a glint of understanding in her eyes, she pushed her hair back from her forehead and grinned cheekily.

"Oh, I love ice cream."

/

 **Becky**

Becky had been attending Beauxbatons two years back. Her family was slightly French, but she hated France and everything about it. She hated the uniforms more than anything in her life. It was too girly and princessy and it itched in the most uncomfortable places. And French was really funny language she couldn't speak properly and everybody always laughed at her because of it. Then there was this curfew, that banned her from going anywhere and to actually get to know France at all.

She was actually happy when she could come back to her family's home. She spent the next two years reading and learning new spells, so she could escape whenever the reason came. She was prepared to disappear at the end of the summer to America. She wanted to start over like a normal healer. There were techniques, she learned, nobody ever heard of in England. She was really excited about it when this feeble troublemaker came to her life.

"Mum! We are going for a walk, all right? We will be back for dinner," she screamed to the house and waited for an answer.

"Sure, Rebecca. Have a great time."

It was two weeks since Sirius had changed his room in Lestrange's house for a room in Becky's home. They spend so much time together, that it started to be weird that they really wanted to get married so late. When someone asked, they replied that they are planning their own business before getting together forever. _How mature of them! Oh, are they really our children?_ And so one.

Sirius started to be her most favourite person in the world. She actually started to regret they weren't really getting married.

"I don't think it's any good," he complained and turned up his nose at it.

"Too much ice, right?" She swallowed and shook her head. "Do we really want to do it the muggle way?"

"We discussed it already! I am not going to that quarrel again!"

"But we are in the muggle area. The possibility is just too small!"

"I was taking Muggle classes; you know? I know there is plenty of ways how to distinguished between muggle food and food made by magic."

"It's ice cream. It's not something wizards would be buying from weirdos like us."

"Speak for yourself."

"You are being pathetic. I am starting to hate you."

"Oh, really?" He pulled her cheeks with dirty fingers and laughed when she punched his stomach with no strength.

"You two!" Their boss commanded. "There are customers!"

Becky stuck out her tongue and turned her head to the row of angry people. The only reason they weren't screaming was that she was so pretty, Sirius figured.

They were working in this small cake shop. She was selling ice cream - because she was a girl - and Sirius was doing the store job and in his free time, he was inventing new flavours. They wanted to learn how to do it the muggle way, so they could rent their own place.

Sirius has it all well planned. He was working here for few hours and then she covered for him, so he could be attending the Auror entrance test. That was a huge relief. She was really thinking he likes duelling as the old families do. She had been laughing for a half an hour, when he had explained to her that it's the other way around, actually.

Sirius felt free. She didn't know him so he could be whoever he wanted. For the first time in his life. And he chose to be brave and funny and optimistic and cheerful and everything he couldn't be back home. He wore his hair in a messy bun. He wore a yellow apron. And he made a secret tattoo in the colours of Gryffindor.

If anybody, who knew him, saw him like that. There was a big possibility they wouldn't recognize him at all.


	5. Chapter five: loner

Chapter five: loner

 **Remus**

 _Fuck!_

Remus was angry. He was so angry he almost punched to the wall of their room.

"You were saying?" Peter asked, exhausted but humoured.

 _Had he told it aloud?_

He smiled. "Sorry."

Peter turned on his other side, trying to find sleep there.

It was clearly a mistake. He needed money, he needed someone to take care of his sweet cute adorable little kitten during full moons. _Where is she, anyway?_ But he wasn't counting on having one room for all three of them. Marlene was already asleep when he got home, but Peter was having trouble lately. He couldn't get used to this new mattress. Who could blame him? After Hogwarts' comfortable beds?

They were broke. They were sharing one of this ridiculously small apartments in the heart of London, where they could smell pizza in the middle of the night and hear screaming and laughing from pubs.

Why? _Why the hell they have to live here_? They could _apparate_ whenever they wanted. So why exactly they weren't living in the suburbs or something?

He couldn't yell in frustration because his roommates would give him a hard time. There were rules. Rules for privacy rules for night-time.

Rules rules rules… He hated them. He had enough of them.

He wanted to live his own life. ALONE. He missed his room in his parents' house almost immediately as he'd seen this place. Why again he wasn't living with them anymore? Ah, right, because of freedom, because of independence, because of maturity. What was _mature_ about sharing the same bedroom with two other people, when you didn't have to?

He wanted to scream. He wanted to destroy this place.

He-ah, he wanted to be alone.

He missed Hogwarts. And the freedom there. So many empty places. He needed that. He needed space.

"Go to bed already, Remus," Peter sighed.

He had no nerves left for that.

/

 **Sirius**

"The first crucial thing about being an Auror is _vigilance_." Moody started. Sirius could recite the whole speech in his head from the beginning to the end. He has read this book: _How to Became an Auror and Not Die in the Process_ about three times now and every week of Mad Eye's training started with _vigilance_ and ended with _get the fuck off before I hex you all._

He stood in the first line of candidates with Alice and Frank Longbottom, who were already married, leaving Sirius in envy disbelief. Behind him was this guy with garbage instead of hair who happened to be _engaged_ with this fierce phoenix bird Evans, both of them seemed so determined of became Aurors that they haven't been looking at each other for the whole practice. Unbelievable. On their left, there was a woman in green robes and blond hair, but Sirius didn't know her. He suspected her of being metamorphmagus, though, so he wasn't sure. In the line behind them stood Gwen Thomas with Figgy Bell and Henry Crossworm. Sirius imagined that the whole crew transfer from his final year of Hogwarts to Auror entrance training. He felt a bit sick. He wanted to avoid them all, now he was supposed to fight with them. "Alright," he said to himself with a challenging smirk. "I'll beat them all, so that doesn't matter much."

"The next crucial thing is the ability to _assume_. You need to know what spell your foe is about to use _before_ he knew it."

"Or _she_ ," said some girl voice from behind Sirius. He felt the wave of amusement washed through the crew but he didn't join.

" – we are going to practice your assumptions," Moody continued without notice on and on for long minutes before he let them really use their wands.

They were getting their duellers by draw, which should be rather fair but wasn't really because Sirius was always matched with Potter, which just couldn't be a coincidence. Just before the break, Sirius assumed, as he was told, that Potter is about to use the spell of Full Body-Bind, so he made his last attempt and try to hex him with momentary blindness, so he would miss him completely. Alas, Potter was quicker this time and moved to his right, so the hex missed him and hit the only person who practiced behind him. His dear Lily.

"Oh I can't see!" she cried and tried to feel the air around her.

Sirius would find that amusing, but he was let to lay paralysed on the solid ground of the gym. It was almost ten minutes later when the blond woman in green robes turned her head and found him still lying with mouth half open in the start of a grin and eyes already wet with tears of exhaustion from being open for so long time.

It took him a great deal of self-control to stay calm and not to take it personally. But he knew how to control himself. Even though it was personal. The only reaction was his bit cooler look and a bit higher chin. He wanted to hate, but the only thing left for him to hate was the situation. He couldn't hate them. Not really. And he thought better of himself than to hate himself either.

So he thought about the only thing that seemed to calm him in the nice ways. The flavours of ice cream he is about to make tomorrow. Should it be strawberry and mint? Or pineapple and mango? He thought about the way the robot mixed all chopped fruits with yogurt or how the owner had just ordered new toppings as lime or fig.

He had never been the one who was thinking about food in his free time. He thought about scones every morning and about tea every night. And about big roast beef when he was hungry, but he'd never seen the great joy the food can make just to think about it. So he spent his break from fighting the devils of the Situation with thinking about his most private business. And he was happy. Secretive and happy.


	6. Chapter six: found

Chapter six: found

 **Sirius**

"I want you to make something fluffy. Like clouds and little angels and feathers. For weddings and births, you know?" she said, bouncing and restless.

Sirius could definitely make something of this description. If he wanted to.

"I would prefer to save it for our own shop."

They were sitting in the storage, both of them. The weather wasn't nice at all these days and ice cream was wanted as well as flu.

Becky shrugged. "You could try and save the recipe. I'll eat the prototype."

"Oh, of course, you will."

"Right, right," she said already on her feet. "Listen, your mother's told my mother about the dinner on Friday. Are we willing to do that?"

This first time Sirius looked up from his robot. "Do you really think they left us some choice?"

Becky seemed to consider that. "We could always say that we are out for our own business."

"On Friday night?" Sirius doubted that very much.

"Yeah.. we could. You know, start looking for our own place. I don't think we need any more learning time."

Sirius brightened. "You think so?" He was wearing just his neon vest and his apron was so loosened that it was barely covering his front, thus smeared with several stains.

"Sure." Becky smiled.

And so it was settled.

Sirius was sure Regulus will be on the Friday dinner and it was the only thing that kept him down from the impossibly high euphoria. But he was living his life now. And the rest of the family, where belonged also Regulus, wasn't invited.

Well, yeah… Sirius could hate himself for that. And sometimes he did.

/

 **Remus**

It was starting to be very cloudy. The September was warm for its most part but as the days went, the weather started to be real British.

Remus was holding his umbrella tight above his friend. The rain was forced by the wind to wash them even under the poor protection.

Julie was frowning and elbowing him just to his bruise from last full moon and he couldn't scream at her for it. They were just meeting for the first time after two years of silence. She was his old schoolmate. The one he liked the best. The one who had never asked him about his monthly absence. She didn't care. And that was refreshing.

She was lovely, usually. Well, she _used_ to be lovely. Now he wasn't so sure. She almost didn't smile and was complaining. All the time. It started with accusing him that _he_ didn't keep in touch. And now she was still hissing that the rain made her hair fuzzy.

This was starting to be a really bad idea, thought Remus. Total waste of time.

"Can't we just go somewhere inside?"

"'Course we can. Where do you wanna go?"-but she already started to pull him through some door into real hell. Noisy and hot.

All of the tables were taken and the server was busy. There was a small queue and people were talking loudly, almost shouting.

Remus sighed. He hated this kind of cafés. Arty and expensive. With perfectly made cappuccinos, colourful cakes, and golden pies.

Julie didn't spare him any look or word. She stared at the chalkboard and wondered what would be better: soya latte or double shot espresso.

Remus stared with her when he heard something that caught his attention.

"- dark chocolate with yogurt."

"Really? And this one?"

"Cucumber and mango. You have it all written just below-"

"And this one?"

"Hazelnut and whiskey."

"What strange flavours!" The woman was bent in front of the freezer and the young girl behind it had a weird face of exasperation and amusement. She glanced at Remus and gave him a wink. He blinked.

"Yeah.. My colleague is making them in the back." And she pointed to the door behind her.

"She does? Really? Can I speak with her?"

The girl with the name badge that read "Becky" started to bit her lips together. "Sure. You can speak with _him_." She smirked. "Hey," she screamed. "Mr. Sea, come here. A customer wants to speak with you."

"Remus… Remus!" Julie elbowed him once more and he let out a small squeal.

"What?"

"What do you want?"

"What? Nothing. I wasn't saying anything."

Julie groaned. "What do you want to order?"

"Oh, sorry. Chocolate." He looked around.

"One hot chocolate," she ordered for him and he paid. The woman was slow and Julie lost her patience almost immediately. She sat behind the first free table and let Remus take their drinks.

There was a great fuss on his right and he turned his head one more time.

"This is really delicious, young man. What have you put in these?"

"Just raspberries and a bit of vanilla," said a boy in vaguely familiar voice, which had to be Mr. Sea's. And Remus froze. The boy was leaning on the freezer with the most gorgeous grin ever. Wide with dimples, slightly crooked teeth, glee in his eyes and everything.

"But how did you make it?" The woman was still there, confused and amazed.

"You don't suppose I'll reveal my most secret recipe, do you?" He winked and Remus's stomach gave almost audible flip-flop.

The woman blushed, but Remus didn't notice because Mr. Sea chose this time to glance at him. It was like he would drain his smile from him by magic. A bit in a millisecond. And just as one bit disappeared after another he started to recognize him. A bit in a millisecond. Suddenly, he started to pay attention to his other parts. Black hair tied in a bun, but with loosened strands all over his face, canary yellow apron, wiry forearms and hands in gloves, grey eyes with fear. He didn't recognize any of it, still, it was Sirius Black standing right here.

He clasped Becky's shoulder and ran back to the staff room.

"One latte with soya milk and caramel and one hot chocolate. Who's next?.. Mister?"

Remus took their drinks. "Listen, Julie… I…" He was still looking at the door where Black just disappeared and wasn't thinking about anything else. "I need to go. I don't think- I need to go." Remus cut it and didn't spear Julie another look.

"You can not possi- hey! You can't go there!" Becky tried to hold him but failed miserably.

Remus couldn't think of any decent reason why Black would be doing this. There must be some criminal intent, Remus knew it.

Black was curled to himself on some kitchen stool and straightened when he saw him coming.

"You are not supposed to be here." Was his invitation.

"Speak for yourself. What mischief are you managing here?"

They were glaring at each other and Black started to laugh. "Yeah.. what possible reason could I have to be dressed like that, right? I am supposed to beguile the muggles, am I not?" He waggled his hands in the way muggles often do to describe conjuring.

Remus narrowed his eyes and they glared a bit more.

Black seemed to be more relaxed now and he leaned against the table with his arms folded. There were many kitchen tools and boxes of various smells. Fridge and cooker. Was Black a chef here? Remus couldn't recall the grin at all. He couldn't understand how this high-class face, the face of posh hatred could form such a beauty.

"So? What are you going to do with this great revelation?" He smiled a bit, mocking.

"Should I? Is there something I should do about it?" Remus said looking around, trying to find some piece of incriminating proof.

"Oh, plenty." Black was studying his face.

"Are you actually working here?"

There was a pause. Was Black considering lying or the sharp mean reply? Remus thought so because after a while Black simply nodded.

"I thought you are spying in the Auror entrance practise."

Black's face twisted a bit, but he quickly composed himself. "So?"

"One double-agent job isn't enough for you?"

For the first time since Black left the café and for the second time Remus had ever seen him, Black genuinely smiled. Very much amused.

"Oh no. One would be boring."

Remus was confused. If it wasn't him and if it wasn't Black, he would assume that he was flirting with him.

There was a hand on his shoulder. "Come with me, Mister. If you wanted a private conversation, it can be postponed just after Mr. Coal shift." That was said by a small bald man in the same canary yellow apron. Becky was standing right behind him with a look of concern directed on Black and a wand in her pocket directed on Remus.

When he glanced for the last time on Black, there was no smile left and just one intimidating frown.

/

 **Sirius**

He was furious but anger was something he had learned to hide before he could walk. He laid on the impossibly big bed of his room in the Lestrange house. He felt his heart raced, his lungs fought for air and his stomach did gymnastics. And among these Olympics he let those feelings flooded him until he was no more angry, no more scared. He was no more.

How that happen? How could that happen?

He was so sure he was safe enough.

It was already dark outside. The Moon and the stars were invisible. No hope for tonight, he thought. He turned his head a bit to see the rain beat the glass. It was heavy and depressing.

Sirius wasn't sure what Remus was up to. He was the most moral, most Hufflepuff person in the whole Gryffindor, Sirius thought. And still, he was probably the last person whose Gryffindor spirit could be doubted. With his helpfulness and kindness… Sirius was convinced that he blackmailed the Sorting Hat to put him in the Gryffindor, when he couldn't decide which house to choose, just to be in the Tower, closer to his precious sky.

He was also so nice with professors. The first one who yelled at him when he tried to mock McGonagall. He had felt a bit connected to him. The same loner in the tower.

Sirius turned on his side and closed his eyes. The panic was gone.

He couldn't understand why Remus hadn't got any friends. He had Marlene, but so did everybody. They both had their demons, but Sirius's had the renowned ones and everybody else was too stupid to see the Remus's. Like, really… Sirius sometimes thought that everyone was keeping their knowledge in polite silence. How they could miss the missing of their classmate every month, when the night sky was the brightest? How could they miss it when he came back beaten like a punching bag? That was in the far distance of Sirius's understanding.

Some evenings before the full moon he had sat on the windowsill to look at the lone figure crossing the grounds, just to remember that there was someone else with dreadful life. Not to get lost in his own miserableness. To feel pity for someone else.

Sirius always thought of Remus as a ridiculous man. He wasn't making any friends because he thought he was a monster. He was studying so hard even though McGonagall had told him that he had no chance of getting a job in some important position. He used to walk through the castle without shoes because he just _didn't_ _like them_. And nobody didn't suspect him a bit. Ridiculous, indeed.

So.

What this ridiculous man would do now, when he knew Sirius's secret? Could he be really dangerous? Sirius wasn't sure. And he realized he didn't care. He couldn't do anything to change the future and he didn't want to spend his private celebration in apprehension.

Becky and he planned a party. Tomorrow they will escape the Friday dinner. The old woman offered them a job in her new Ice Cream House. They didn't accept her offer, though, they just were thrilled that somebody noticed their effort. That was encouraging.

So.

He hugged himself.


	7. Chapter seven: embarassed

Chapter seven: embarrassed

 **Remus**

He was thinking for a very long time. Sipping his cold tea when everybody went out for work. He was halfway asleep after his night shift, but his brain was amazingly still working.

 _Murderers or dead._ And Black certainly was very much alive.

 _Too much_. Remus would say. More than he had ever seen him.

He could go and ask him one more time. But would he tell him any different? Remus was sure he wouldn't. Of course, he wouldn't say anything important, why would he? He wasn't that stupid.

Or, he could mention something to Peter who would tell James Potter. He was practicing to be an Auror too. It would be better than to just go to the Ministry, wouldn't it?

 _He must do something, that's for sure_. _The Blacks need to be under control. One way or another_.

He needed some consultation. And he chose his pillow to do the part.

/

The woman had been right. The flavours were odd. There was one called The Unicorn and in the description was written: _The fluff of marshmallow the froth of cotton candy, and the fluid of coconut milk_. Was this really made by Black? Remus couldn't believe it.

"There it is," he heard and looked up. Black was coming from the back with an ice cream container.

He met his eyes but soon turned away and put the container into the freezer. Remus stared at him when he put the sign that read: Red Hot Chilli Chocolate. He had just made it, Remus realised because he had the chocolate smeared just below his bottom lip. Unbelievable.

"I am off now," he said to Becky's ear.

He followed him.

/

 **Sirius**

"What do you want? I don't have time for that," he vaguely waved his hand in Remus direction. He was just about to leave to the gym.

"I think I don't trust you," Remus said.

"Oh really? That's new." Sirius was edgy, he knew it. His tone was sharp and disinterested.

"I also think I will report you to the ministry."

Sirius just unfastened his apron and froze, still fisting it in his hands. He looked at Remus. "And what will you tell them? That the Black's heir doesn't get any pocket money, so he works in the storage?" He slowly moved towards the accuser. "For _muggles_?"

Remus managed to pout his lips a bit but didn't have time to really speak for himself.

"Sure, everybody will believe you immediately." Sirius's eyes were impossibly wide with the whites and red veins. He took another step towards Remus. "They will come here, all of the real Aurors and what? Arrest me for cooking? Arrest me for not using any magic? For not _practising_ for the Auror entrance test?"

Remus took a step back. "Of course not, you arrogant idiot. They will just check your intentions with-…"

"Oh, how _splendid,_ " Sirius spat. "They will just come here and ruin everything we have built up, right? For what? Will you be sleeping better, when you will know that my future is finally totally ruined? I'm sure you will. I am sure that all the wizarding society will finally rest in peace once they'll finally do some justice among the purebloods, right?"

Sirius was now fisting the apron so hard, that his knuckles were white and his palms were red with bloody half-moons. He wasn't angry. He wasn't afraid. He just wanted to mock him and embarrass him how he unconsciously did. And the air was getting thicker and thicker.

"Isn't it what it's all about? Justice? Let's make some purebloods miserable, let's make their lives harder. They deserve it, right? Did you have any second thoughts at all? That, I don't know… that I might not be doing anything more than just making ice cream? Have you considered this possibility? Or do you just hate ice cream so much, that the idea of making one is fully elusive to you?"

Remus was leaning against the wall now and Sirius blinked when he realised they were inappropriately close. He could see his every freckle. Yet, he was too far to stop now.

"What are you doing anyway? Are you the spy of the ministry? Did you get a job in some underground militia? Or are you just working for the greater good, for your better conscience, to cease your nightmares with moral behaviour? Do you think it works like that?" He pointed his chin to him. "Why are you here, Remus? I could easily kill you now. Are you aware of that? You came here," his voice now sweet as an ice lolly. "Telling me about your intentions. Why? Was it a suicide mission? Or were you hoping I would suddenly change my mind and do good for once?"

Remus was now staring at his lips, Sirius realised. He glanced few times to meet his gaze, but always lowered his attention down. Was he intimidating him?

Yes, was Sirius's conclusion. He had nowhere to move, his breath was sharp and his eyes restless. And Sirius pushed him mentally even further: He put a hand on the wall behind Remus's shoulder and he saw how the knees of the brave brave werewolf trembled.

He saw how his eyes darkened when he met them. Was he turning him on?

Sirius lowered his head and puffed the air on Remus's face. "Do you think I am the bad guy?" he whispered.

There was just a little pause before Remus kissed him. He managed to catch just a glimpse of gold want and anger in his eyes before they were closed and he was staring unfocussed at the pale face with a scar across its nose and freckles across its forehead. And then Sirius's eyes fluttered closed and he let Remus take whatever he wanted from him. For the first time, he felt like he could because for the first time he felt the same gold want and anger in his belly and it was too good to be ignored. So he kissed him back.

It was wetter and messier than he had ever thought. And somehow, it still wasn't enough.

They had a bad position. Remus was a pusher and he was a puller, but he didn't want to let him go. Somewhere in the process, he felt Remus's knees get even weaker and he had to hold his arm for support. No, he wasn't letting him go anywhere.

And then he felt Remus's hips push forward, and he moaned. He managed to press them even closer, let go of Remus's arm and grabbed his waist. He wasn't aware of anything; he almost didn't felt Remus's hands on his arse when the heat found its way to his head and he bit someone's lip.

It was over before it started, Sirius thought, but the over time was long. In took long minutes before the air was breathable and his eyes were open to see the shock on Remus's face.

They didn't know who should be the embarrassed one. However, Sirius opened his eyes with the feeling of his old crush forming a very very new one, and he wasn't able to cover his affection when he opened them.

"Remus…" he started, horrified with the tears of humiliation and horror in the raging amber eyes. "I…"

"Get off me," Remus cried and pushed him aside.

It was time for Sirius's knees to weaken, but there was no one left, who would hold him on his feet.


	8. Chapter eight: hurt

Chapter eight: hurt

 **Sirius**

He was chewing very slowly. His jaw still hurt and his hands were trembling.

"You look terrible, Sirius," his father stated. "Were you performing some duel lately?"

Sirius swallowed. "Yes father, you should see the other one."

Everyone laughed, but it was a lie. James Potter almost finished him completely today. His every spell, every hex hit him until Moody took him aside and sent him home. He didn't question him why he had been delayed for the whole hour, but he made no excuses for this shit witchcraft. Sirius couldn't blame him. He was just glad that he doesn't need to face Potter for the long time of long weeks. They were starting individual training now and he will be paired with Scrimgeour.

It wasn't that bad. Yes, Potter got to work with Mad-Eye, but Scrimgeour won't be commanding him the whole time at least. Still, Sirius felt it as a bit of a failure.

The pudding was over and Sirius felt the pressure of a situation unbearable.

"Where is Regulus?" Sirius asked in complete desperation.

His mother looked at him funny. "He's at Hogwarts, of course."

Hogwarts.

Sirius remembered it. It was like from his old life. In the far far away galaxy. Is it where Regulus is now? Is it how far he is now?

Sirius thought he couldn't feel worse. But now he did.

And it didn't get any better.

"So, Sirius, Rebecca," Mrs. Lestrange started. "Mr. and Mrs. Black wanted to talk about your marriage."

"No," Mrs. Black cut her. "All of us wanted to talk to you."

Becky shot a helpless glance over to Sirius, but he avoided her eyes. They couldn't let the secret to split.

"We don't understand your hesitation. I wouldn't be afraid, you two seem getting on well together." Mr. Black smiled.

"We won't be getting married until the next September, father. That is the plan."

His father glared at him. "It's unacceptable," He simply said.

"And why is that?" Becky challenged.

Nobody challenges the Blacks. She should know by now.

"Because, Sirius is staying in your house. It's suspicious. And disgraceful. The rumours are spreading quicker than rabies."

Sirius snorted and Mr. Black glanced at him.

"You and I should have a talk, young man."

" _And why is that_?" Sirius whispered to himself, mockingly, but obediently rose up and followed his old stupid cruel father to the other room.

"I thought you would be the wise one, Sirius," he started. "But this is getting over your naïve head."

"It is not."

"Really? Just yesterday, Mrs. Avery asked me if you two had had a wedding already. Do you understand what she was asking about, actually?"

Sirius smirked. This was just so funny. "You don't have to be afraid, father. Nothing happened. And nothing will happen. I don't even want to."

Mr. Black looked him up and down, then sighed. "I don't care about that, son. But that's not a good thing either."

"Is it not? I thought that you have a proble-"

"I have a problem with rumours, Sirius. It doesn't matter what you are or aren't doing."

Sirius almost rolled his eyes.

"You are going to marry her in a week. Everything is arranged."

"Why? The rumours are absolutely false."

"But they are. And that's enough."

"I won't marry her." Sirius shook his head. "Not yet. We have a business to run."

"You are marrying her. In a week. No more arguments." Mr. Black took a step towards Sirius and raised his hand with his wand. Sirius was blind this time.

"I am not marrying her ever!"

Mr. Black sighed one more time and lowered his hand. "Sirius."

"I am not. I don't love her."

Mr. Black brightened. "Oh, nobody asking you to love her. You just need to marry her. You can keep your fancies for your private life."

"Marriage's supposed to be your private life."

"Oh, not at all, Sirius. Did you get this impression from our marriage? Oh, dear. That means we have done a good job. You see, you can keep your love, your preferences for yourself. You don't need to share it with your family."

Sirius stared, disgusted.

"I know what are you thinking now. It's difficult from the start, but you will figure it out, as I have."

Sirius remembered now, the evenings when his mother was gone to her side of a family and Mr. Rowle junior came for dinner and stayed. He sometimes came even when his mother was home. And sometimes when his father was out. He remembered how one of his uncles came and shared a room with his father. He thought it was natural. Sometimes, his uncle Alphard came to his room too, read him a story while he was getting to bed. He thought it was natural among family. It should be clear sooner that his family would never do anything of that sort.

"I am not marrying her."

Now his father raised his hand completely. "Oh yes, you will. Willingly."

"I won't."

"You will leave now and in a week you will come here for your wedding. This is the last word of this conversation."

Sirius was red in his face from shame and hurt, his hands shaking as he was afraid that his father would use _Imperius Curse_ on him.

Yes, he will leave now. And he won't be coming back ever again. This is it. He is leaving.

/

 **Becky**

"What did he say?" She asked, sitting carefully on the bed.

"Oh, nothing special. Get married, have children, cheat on your wife... as usual."

Sirius laid on his side, his back turned to her. She sat closer.

"I can't do this anymore, Beck. I… I just…" He is crying, she realised.

Her breath caught. He was no less than her sunshine. Now the storm was coming.

She touched his shoulder, squeezing. "Sirius?" She sat the closest she could get and tried to comfort him somehow. "It doesn't matter. Whatever it is. It's okay."

He shook his head, his arms wrapped around himself. "I just… He was so…" He wiped his nose with his hand and shut his mouth tightly.

"Sirius, it doesn't matter what he said. It truly doesn't."

"We need to get married in a week."

"We certainly don't have to do anything of that sort. Even though I wouldn't mind that much anymore."

Sirius turned his red face on her. "What?"

She smiled. "I'm joking, Sirius, relax. That just meant I like you, that's all."

"I don't know what to do, Becky. I can't go back ever again. And I can't even stay here." He was curled to himself again, his eyes still wet with tears, but the sobs were gone.

"Well, we have our small savings from the café and we still have our jobs. I think we can handle it."

"No… No. I can't go there either."

"Why not?" She tried to catch his eyes, but he buried his face in the pillow. Shoulders tense again. So she laid beside him and held him close. And then he started to talk. And he talked and talked and she started to bite the inside of her mouth to stop herself from interrupting. After a while the flesh was so bitten it started bleeding and the pain started to be unbearable and she shouted:

"He did what?"

She knew him for a quite short time, but he gave her an impression of a cheerful funny kind man. She couldn't understand how anybody could treat him like that.

Well, she could, because she knew people and she knew the Blacks. People didn't like them. But how could anyone be mean to Sirius in his sloppy vest and messy hair was above her reach. She was the Lestrange and they weren't so bad as the Blacks. At least in the public eyes.

Sirius was silent.

"That's just. Unbelievable." She sat up again. "He just left like that?"

Sirius's breath was starting to feel heavy again.

"You deserve better, Sirius. Remind yourself that. Everyone has prejudices, but you don't have to listen to them. You are better than what they call you. He should be ashamed of himself. He should… He is one of those stupid assumers. He was cruel and unfair, he should-"

"No! He was perfect." Sirius sobbed. She clearly misunderstood the level of Sirius's feelings.

"Oh dear," she sighed and kissed his temple. "No one is perfect, Sirius, remember that. Even you. How can you fancy someone who is clearly as nice as he is smart?"

Sirius snorted. "Well, that was accurate."

She frowned and started to comb his hair with her fingers.

"I know it was my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I knew he hates me."

"You love him?"

She was just curious. Just curious.

"No, of course not. Why do you think so?" Sirius startled and looked up at her.

She shrugged. "You talk like you do."

"Well, I don't. We have never really talked."

She waited, but that was all he wanted to say. And she wasn't buying it.

"You don't need to worry, though. About anything. Your training will continue as it is and about your place to stay, I might have just what you need."


	9. Chapter nine: lost

Chapter nine: lost

 **Remus**

His job wasn't simple, but it was easy. Surprisingly, he hadn't had to apply for a muggle job, thanks to some Peter's relative, who owned an old inn on the Jiggly Street, where he could do the administrator, host, bed-maker, bartender and sometimes even a cook. It depended.

The innkeeper who called himself Brando but looked more like Castellano was always soused. His days were still the same. Starting with the newspapers and coffee on the sofa of the 'parlour' and ending right there with a gin bottle. In the meantime, he was talking nonsenses and suggestions to anyone who was so reckless to be close enough.

Money was bad. Very bad, and Remus was secretly looking for something else, but most days he just went straight to his bed. Exhausted and exasperated.

The full moons were much worse than what he was used to. He wasn't relaxed, he couldn't sleep enough before it and it was just getting worse. He wasn't sure how long he is able to continue like this.

Yes, he could return to his parents. To take a break, to find a better job, to get some of his nerves back.

 _Safe is sometimes better than pride_. His father had told him. Remus just couldn't agree. He would rather die than to come to his father and admit he failed in his life. It was too soon for this kind of resignation.

"Hey, Remus!" Mr. Brando called him and Remus chose the farther way to the old man.

"Yes, sir?"

"Where's the papers?"

"The owl just hasn't appeared yet." Remus refilled the coffee cup on the small coffee table and turned away.

"Don't forget to pay it again. I don't want your bloody fingers in the bread dough again, you hear me? We don't want another werewolf customer." He thought he is being funny, but the inn was empty except for Remus and he really didn't feel obliged to laugh.

He just made it to the counter again when the owl finally flew through the open window. Mr. Brando always left the window open. For owls and the wind. Once he shared his opinion of fresh air with Remus and Remus agreed. The inn's rooms were smelling like zoo cages. It was disgusting and Remus's sensitive senses were almost dying every time he entered inside.

He carefully put three Sickles in the owl's pouch and she gently bit his middle finger. Remus unrolled the Prophet and as usually read the headlines before he handed it to Mr. Brando. Later, when his boss was asleep, or during his long night shifts, he read it back and forth.

Not now, though. He stared at the black print and at the photo of a moving wizard in the Hogwarts's robe.

"THE BLACK'S HEIR'S MISSING!" Read the biggest headline.

"IS HE HIDING OR WAS HE MURDERED?"…

"SIRIUS BLACK: A Handsome young man with devilish parents or a sly successor of dark magicians? Read on page 7."

He quickly glanced at Brando, but he was drowning in his morning drink, so he turned few pages over and read the whole article.

" _He was like a brother to me," said his brother Regulus Black, asked in the Hogsmeade village last afternoon. "We have never thought of such a situation. I bet someone took him. He was kidnaped and you should do something about it. He is strong but naïve. Yes. I bet someone took him. Just stay alive, brother, keep it up!" Then, Mr. Regulus Black refused to add anything else, clearly moved by his feelings._

Remus couldn't help the feeling that Regulus was making fun of the Prophet.

" _Sirius Black was well known for his close relationship with his brother, that's no secret," said his fiancé Miss Rebecca Lestrange. "I have no idea why are you asking about that. You should be out there, questioning everyone related to him."_

 _There is a high possibility of her guilt. The Blacks are renowned for their loveless marriages, but she seemed absolutely unaffected._

 _"_ _He is probably dead already. Just find his body. I can't take it anymore." She is probably insane._

 _"_ _It's been three days only," I tried to reasoned, but she waved me off. Her parents, Mr. Marcus and Mrs. Fontaine Lestrange, on the other hand, seemed to be shocked by his disappearance. "He was like a son to us. He lived with us for more than two months now. They were just starting to be close." Mrs. Lestrange sobbed. I gave her my handkerchief. "They were really happy!"_

 _I asked if they think that the Blacks might have been responsible. "No!" Mr. Lestrange cried. "Of course not! He's their heir!" He said, but I saw the slight hesitation in his blue eyes._

 _We have been unlucky to get an interview with the Blacks, but we will keep you posted, as always._

 _''_ _The Daily Prophet most glorified reporter Peggy Poppycock''_

Remus just looked at the other column.

"PROBABLY THE SON OF HIS PARENTS"

 _An Outlook by Amanda Parkinson_

 _Not much have been written about Sirius Black since he was sorted into the Gryffindor house eight years ago. He is a (probably still alive) sheer wizard now and he could be possibly very dangerous._

 _Many eyes saw him on Friday 23_ _rd_ _for the last time, when he was "escaping" from the entrance practice of new Aurors. Miss Thomas has said about him: "He was one of the best candidates, gifted and competitive, but in the last training… he lost every duel. He was clearly agitated by something."_

 _Alastor Moody, the leader of the new recruits, hasn't been willing to opine._

 _He might have already known what is about to come, or rather, something has already happened because there isn't any evidence of oracular abilities in the Blacks' family whatsoever. However, we have more testimonies: The Lestranges saw him even after the family dinner at their home at St. Stephen Street._

 _"_ _He went to his room... it was about half past seven. Yes. That's the last time we've seen him." Said Mr. Marcus Lestrange, a head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation._

 _His wife, Mrs. Fontaine Lestrange added: "We just had a dinner with the Blacks about the engagement of our children. It's such a disaster, by my troth!"_

 _There is a possibility of young Mr. Black's reluctance against his upcoming marriage. If that's the case, we should be truly hoping, he is somewhere safe._

 _Nevertheless, I wouldn't be that optimistic. The Blacks, as we all know, are well known for more than encouraging cousin marriages. Remember, that just last winter Mrs. Black was accused of using the Cruciatus Curse on her neighbour for just walking too close to her. Even though the Gryffindor, he has never had a friend there. That was affirmed by many Hogwarts students. "His company were students of the Slytherin house," said professor McGonagall, the head of the Gryffindor house. "He was a very talented student. One of my best." … but where is he now?_

 _So my question is: is someone able not to take an example of their family and friends when they don't have another?_

/

"Are you done already? I don't pay you for reading my newspapers!"

Remus awakened and handed the now a bit creased papers.

"What so shocking captured your attention?" Mr. Brando asked, pouring some Irish whiskey into his coffee cup.

Remus wasn't listening and soon disappeared into the kitchen. Sophie, the cook, was still sleeping upstairs. It was too early to be cooking anything. They weren't bed and breakfast.

He shouldn't be, but he was. He was one of the people who saw the young Black on Friday. For one second he thought that perhaps he should announce that, but he laughed at himself immediately. Well, there is a chance he is still at the café, but Remus had just made a promise to never ever enter that place again and he wasn't ready to break it.

He was sure for about 96% to be responsible for Black's misfortune during his training, but he just couldn't believe that something like that made the heir run away or that due to that he was kidnapped, or murdered… well, alright, maybe if he had told someone… it could be a big deal among the purebloods – to have a homosexual man among themselves.

Remus was feeling sick. He was thinking about the lovely girl behind the ice cream freezer and tried to imagine her in a tight robe behind a long shiny dining table of some manor. He couldn't. He was thinking about her relationship with Sirius Black. They did seem fairly close. He might love her. He might have been carried away by Remus's own acts. Perhaps it didn't matter at all. Perhaps he just wanted to humiliate Remus, to score him off completely.

Tears of frustration ran through him again, because he was just deceiving himself. The fact is, the truth was unbearable for him and he could just writhe and held himself and think about oceans and seagulls and starfishes… and not about the way Black looked at him or the way he touched him after they got each other off.

It was unbearable for the young poor lycanthropic Remus to imagine that the heir of the cruellest pureblood family is in fact smitten with him.


	10. Chapter ten: missed

Chapter ten: missed

 **Remus**

"They had individual training now, he said. They haven't seen him since. " Peter confirmed. He just came back from work and waved his wand in the direction of kettle while putting his coat on the backrest of the kitchen chair. "We had lunch together and he said he's sure he's somewhere nice and cosy but beaten and tortured."

"Why is he thinking that?" Remus asked, spreading his toast with jam. He usually ate breakfast meals for dinner and vice versa. Diversions of his shifts had made a shit of his eating manners.

"Intuition? I don't know, but he said something about the way he had been duelling last time. He said he had been always trying to be the best and most times he had been, but that day he just hadn't cared. The battle is lost; you know? Like he would know they are coming for him." Peter made a scary face and laughed.

"So you think he is innocent?"

The kettle started to dance and Peter took a mug from the sink.

"Innocent? You mean like normal, like us, not a murderer?"

"Yes, that kind of innocent," Remus rolled his eyes on him.

"I have no idea."

There was a scream and suddenly there was Marlene on the table. "There is a mouse! A real mouse!"

"That's impossible. I have a cat." Remus pointed out.

Marlene pointed at the rodent on the floor. "Well, your cat is lazy and too posh to hunt."

"Take it easy, damsel in distress," Peter jumped up. "I'm gonna save your polished toenails."

Remus just put his feet up on his chair and continued eating. "Where have it come from?"

"The woods, dark and scary… Probably it smelled your unwashed clothes."

"Well, if you don't want any more mice, you know what to do… The laundry, as any girl housemaker," Peter said cheerfully. "I'm keeping it. Its skin's so soft. Feel it!" He handed it to Marlene, who didn't have time to be offended and ran away, screaming: "You can't! Get rid of it!"

Peter grinned wildly. "Well, that was an episode."

Remus finished his dinner and took his jumper and coffee flask. "Alright, see you in the morning. Say hi to James if you see him again."

Peter sighed. "Yeah, I will. Take care."

/

 **Becky**

They were insufferable. They asked her five times a day. "Where is he?" "Have you seen him?" "Where are you going?" "Did something happen to him?" "Did something happen to you?" She was spending about nine hours at home, asleep and having breakfast. Her parents weren't that strict or conservative, but they thought having a son in law from the Black family is a big honour and they were devastated when they realised it won't happen. She couldn't blame them. She was devastated too.

It was one week since she last saw him and one week till she will see him for the last time. Then she is flying to Alabama.

She was anxious and spent most of her time staring at some unfocused mess. The ice cream wasn't selling in this shitty weather. Sometimes, the waiter came and steal some vanilla into his ice coffee or yoghurt into a milkshake, but that was it.

She felt like a good friend. She did what she could to help him and now, it was up to him to carry on. They will apart and he will become just a memory.

She had been doing good with no friends. She hadn't need anyone; she hadn't want anyone. Now, she was bad and wanting and needing. Missing.

Saturday. 9:50. And her life seemed wasted, empty. She was becoming twenty in a month. She was still a teenager and she was heading to a different continent with just her British accent and broken heart. Last evening, she spent two hours learning how to use a muggle post. That helped.

Learning helped. So she pulled her book of healing potions out of her bag and started to read it. It wasn't proper studying, she knew it by heart already, but it was better than nothing.

/

 **Remus**

He was counting on his finger pros and cons.

Pro: an end to the curiosity.

Con: broken promise.

Pro: safety of the wizarding world

Con: mockery

Pro: not raining

Con: nervousness

Pro: something to do

Con, con con con…

He got lost and was too tired to start over, so he just exasperatedly grunted and opened the shop door. The biggest competitors were curiosity and nervousness, anyway, and he was used to be nervous, but curiosity was new and strong.

The café wasn't that crowded as the last time he's seen it. There were few people spread across the eating area and one choosing his coffee in front of the counter.

Rebecca Lestrange, as he knew now, was reading with no expression on her face. No sign of Black.

He came to the counter behind the dubious guy and waited.

"What would that be, sir?" Asked a guy in a yellow apron. Remus handed him his flask.

"One mochaccino, please," he asked.

Some family with noisy small girls entered inside and the children ran to the ice cream freezer.

"No! I am going to have the Unicorn!" One in the blue raincoat screamed.

"No! I said first. You can't have the same ice cream. Mummy!"

Their parents were as many others lost in the coffee choices and didn't pay them much attention.

Remus chanced a glance at Rebecca. She was staring at him. Wrinkles around her eyes and stiffness around her mouth made her look hateful.

"I want one big portion of the Unicorn ice cream," the girl in a red coat ordered.

"I want the 'cherries and cream diablo' and 'peanut butter' and 'just a sugar'. I haven't got any stomach ache last time and mummy said I can, I swear."

Rebecca looked down on them. "I'm truly sorry, sweetie, but we don't have any of it."

The look of horror on the girls' faces would wither a dragon.

"You. Don't. Have any?"

"No," Rebecca said and looked back at Remus. "We have just vanilla, strawberry, yoghurt, lime and remains of hazelnut." With every flavour she named she frowned deeper and deeper.

Yes. Remus got the point. And with his mochaccino he drew off.

/

 **Becky**

 _Oh, the boy must have nerves!_ Becky thought. She was so pissed, she needed five whole kilometres to walk it down. Otherwise, she would burst into Sirius's new place, even though they agreed to no visiting policy just yet.

She started to imagine what juicy gossip she's going to tell Sirius about the boy in too many layers. Personally, she found him absolutely unattractive. Plain and naff. Too work no fun. Yes, he told her, he had been a werewolf, broke and unwanted, but she could see the studying type, the school boy he once was. Strict and nark. And she definitely wasn't into that.

She wanted loyal funny and warm person like Sirius. And Sirius was beautiful.

No, she wasn't going to tell anything, she knew. This just wasn't fair! They had everything until this idiot came into the picture. Oh, bloody _hell_! She wanted to hurt him!

One more week. One more week and she will be starting over. And this whole feeling mess-up will be far behind her.


	11. Chapter eleven: erudite

Chapter eleven: erudite

 **Sirius**

"All right, man, let's do something big!" he shouted to the empty space, spread his arms and turned on some music. He didn't really know what that was, but it was old, so it had to be good. His HOME was messy and it needed some cleaning up, so he did it. And danced through it with his casual elegance. Dirty dishes were now clean and shiny. Niffy clothes were put into his washing machine. Blankets and pillows spread everywhere were now on his sofa and bed only. He did vacuuming and mopping and set an order in his fridge and pantry. At the end of his dancing, he was singing with a duster in his face, sneezing and crying his allergic eyes out. What a day!

And now, six LPs and four hours later, it was over.

He sat beside his sofa, holding a phone with one hand and the longest cable ever in the other, coiling it around his fingers.

"Pepe's Burgers, Janet speaking, how can I help you?"

Sirius grinned. Janet was his favourite. She was good at small talk.

"Hello, Janet. It's Sirius."

"Hello sir, how are you feeling today?" She asked, genuinely interested.

"Very well, thank you. How are you doing?"

"Not busy, that is." She smiled. Yes, she could do that on the phone too.

" 'm sad to hear that."

"Yeah… at this time it's always bad in the business. People rather cook at home. Fast food's not fancy enough."

"I guess I'm tired of fancy," Sirius admitted.

"I guess you are our best customer, then," she offered and Sirius accepted.

"Sure I am. I am going to take a special order today."

"Of course, we are adding special surprises in every festive order."

"Oh, that's lovely!"

"I certainly hope so."

"Alright! So I'd like to take Pepe's British with Mexican salad. Cherry coke. And what kind of dessert do you have today?"

"We have pumpkin cheesecake, as usual, fried Churros, gingerbreads, and brownies."

"That's tough. Recommendations?"

"I would go for a few gingerbreads and definitely the brownie. I made it especially good today."

"Okay, as you said, then."

"All right. Thank you for your order. It should be delivered by an hour."

"Can't wait!"

"Merry Christmas, Sirius."

"Merry Christmas."

The line went dead and Sirius was left to listen to the beep beep beep. Not very encouraging, to be honest.

So he went to the bathroom and took a shower. He managed to get dressed and comb his hair when there was a knock on his door.

It was always someone new. Today, it was a delivery boy in the Pepe's Burgers tee-shirt with headphones around his neck, many natural bracelets, and frown on his black skin.

Sirius gave them evaluations. This guy made it to only four of ten. He shouldn't have been frowning on this Holy Day.

"Good evening," he said, handing a bag with Sirius's order.

"Good evening, do you want some eggnog?" Sirius offered, giving him a second chance.

"No, thank you. I want you to pay already, so I could go home and have a holiday on my own."

Sirius pouted. 0/10. _No-one. And I mean No. One. Refuses eggnog during Christmas. No-one_.

So he threw him some cash and slammed the door to his face. Asshole.

Now.

What's that surprise?

He opened the bag on the kitchen table and put out a box with the burger, a plastic container with the salad and cherry coke in a one-litre paper cup. Then there were some small packages. Paper sack, where gingerbreads were probably and another plastic container with a very dark brownie.

Sirius made almost audible drumroll with his teeth and tongue and let out the last package.

It was one portion of the real Christmas pudding and on the top of the container, there was glued small green paper Christmas tree. He was half considering to call Janet again and thank her. But then he realised that this little cut-out was his only Christmas tree. That was fairly sad. And he didn't want to share his sadness.

He put all of this on the coffee table and sat on the floor. He ate his dinner while reading today's paper. There wasn't much he wouldn't know already. Shacklebolt, who was now his assigned partner, kept him posted about everything that was somehow related to him. They made a good teamwork. Kingsley was perceptive and reasonable, compared to Scrimgeour. Sirius had had to ask Moody for someone else because Scrimgeour's prying was not only annoying but also dangerous. He would lose his job if he would tell something, but his mouth seemed daringly open. And _not_ in that funny way. Sirius's mind was far from joking. Scrimgeour had been the only person he had talked during his whole day and sometimes, he had just thought, he had had enough. Suicide and jumping and knives and all.

Sometimes Becky called and then it was easier for few days, but his life felt bizarrely empty. He should get a fish or something.

He threw the plastic and paper remains of his dinner into the kitchen bin and made himself a tea. The cooker was in a bad state and it took the kettle about twenty minutes to finally heat up properly.

Then he took his cup and all of his puddings and settled all of it on his bedside table. He opened the window and looked at the street. There wasn't any snow yet, but the weather should get colder in a few days and then, hopefully, the view will be more calming. He saw colourful lights through other windows and heard some carol singing and laugh.

He pouted his lips and turned his gaze away from the outside.

He had never been much of a reader. He believed in practice more than theory and he was interested more in his life than in someone's other.

People change.

So he took down some random book from a bookshelf he had noticed today for the first time while dusting. He weighted it in his hands and headed to the bed. Sipping his tea, he opened it in the beginning. It was Moby-Dick.

The book was at the end of his reading covered in gingerbread crumbs. As were the other books in his apartment. Once it was gingerbread, then oily crumbs from croissants or oat flakes from protein bars.

He read everything that Christmas. Everything that Becky had left in her old safe place. Muggle literature, that she had been hiding from her parents, he figured. Some were good, most bad, but it didn't matter. He didn't have anything to do until the second of January. And he desperately wanted to be anyone but himself.

/

There was a ringing sound and Sirius ran to the phone.

"Hello, beautiful," phone in Becky's voice said.

"Hey! What's wrong?" It was the tone that was wrong.

"I don't know." She was crying. And Sirius immediately felt helpless. She had cried twice already. The first time it had been in the beginning of October, while she had been settling in. And the second time at the end of November when she had got the sack.

"Are you hurt?" Sirius had already the important questions sorted.

"No," she sobbed.

"Are you at home?"

"Yes, alone. Steph's outside."… her roommate.

"Is it something in the work?"

There was a hesitation. "No. I don't… no. Work's nice."

"Have you been eating properly?"

She snorted. "Yes, mum, I had a corn and fried tomatoes."

"Yummy." Sirius sat down behind his sofa and played with the cable. "So? What is it?"

"I told you. I don't know. I suddenly had this panic attack. For no reason." Her sobs deceased, but she was still heaving and snivelling.

"You are safe, aren't you?"

"Yes. Safe as a teddy bear."

"I'm glad. So listen, I thought I would get some pet. I thought about a fish, but it's too mute for my taste. So… what about a cat? Would it be bad, to have a cat in your apartment?"

"Sirius, it's your apartment."

"There is no such a thing as my apartment."

She laughed. "It is. I gave it to you, so it's yours now. Believe it or not."

He smiled. "I choose not to believe. I heard that trust could be tricky."

"Yeah… anyway. You can't have a cat in your apartment. You are such a dog, she would be scared by you all the time. Poor thing."

"It would not! First, no pronoun assumptions, second, it would certainly not be any scaredy-cat and for the record, I am not scary at all."

"Oh, I know you're not. You are such a baby."

"I'm not anyone's baby," Sirius pouted.

"Yeah, that's probably the problem, love."

He was quiet for a moment. "So? How are you feeling?"

She agreed with the subject change. "Better, thanks. I guess I just needed to hear some kind voice."

"Too much yelling?"

"Too much silence. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth. You know, what I mean? I put so much effort into everything here, but nobody sees it. Everyone is just directed to his own success. I guess I'm just too unlucky to meet somebody who just comes and tell you: 'Hey, your shirt is really nice, do you wanna be my friend?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to be a friend with someone who chooses their friends by their clothes."

"You are a moron; you know that?"

"Of course. On a regular basis." Sirius confirmed, grinning.

"Alright. Need to go. Do the dishes. My turn. What are you up to?"

"Jane Eyre. Good. Glad you don't need me. Looking forward to hearing from you." Sirius said in machine voice.

"Meee. Tooo. Bye. Loo. Ser."

"Fare. Well. Bird. Brain."

/

It was worse during the night. When he finally decided he is no longer able to keep his eyes open, he switched off the lamp and hid his shoulder under the duvet. It wasn't cold, but he felt safer.

His eyelids were tired, but his brain wasn't. And every time he turned on his side he remembered the other side felt better.

After a while, even his eyelids weren't tired anymore and he stared at the window, which was the only thing slightly visible in the midnight dark.

He drew his knees up to his chin and imagined. He was tired to feel pathetic, so he chose to feel normal about his pathetic manners. About how he imagined the warm, the shadow, the shape. How he felt the moves and breath. Another body behind himself.

For a moment he felt better. Then he felt terrible. Then tired.

And after some time he was snoring with his mouth fully open.


	12. Chapter twelve: accepted

Chapter twelve: accepted

 **Sirius**

"But sir!"

"No."

"I don't want to go there. Why can't I just start studying? You know about my situation, right?"

"Yes, I'm aware."

"So?"

"The answer is still no, Sirius."

"It's just unreasonable."

"It's the law. And you are not a lawyer."

"Right! As I am no social whore."

"No, that would have made me your pimp."

Sirius was quiet for a long time, that finally shut him up. "Yeah.." he said slowly.

Moody had come this morning with Kingsley with some _serious_ business. Kingsley had been smiling and Sirius had felt some ruse. That's the introduction.

Now, he was telling him he had to come to some social event, because, supposedly, he had been accepted, due to some refrained exam probably, to Theory Training – which, according to them, was really a big deal. It was beginning of March and nobody had ever mentioned anything about some higher level of training or whatever. If they had, he might have felt obliged to celebrate.

Now, he was more confused and cross than anything else.

It would destroy his non-existing social status. More or less, he was dead for the public. And he made a home in his coffin. Vampire's home.

"It's not the time to worry yet. It's at the end of May."

"And why are you telling me this now?" It just didn't make sense.

"So you could arrange everything for your safety."

"I am safe now."

"I know, that's why I am telling you, so you could be safe even after."

"It doesn't make any sense!"

Mad-Eye lost his patience. "It is what it is, Sirius. That's the end of this conversation, if you want to be an Auror, you will be at the registration."

And with that, he apparated elsewhere.

That conversation was probably also the end of his peace. He had been trained by Kingsley for months. To decipher a curse made by dark magic, to track invisible marks of magic. To mute even the most difficult spells…

He had always been excited about the ways Kingsley led him when he had talked with Becky. However, this time, he complained and complained. She, herself, was pretty stressed and his lamenting was too much for her and she slammed the cradle.

/

 **Remus**

His day dragged. There were about three customers during his whole day and he spent most of his time checking his already checked bills. He finally had made it and had found himself a better job. He was now an accountant at the Flourish and Blotts. Accountant and shop assistant, when the shop rarely needed an assistant.

They didn't let him work during the rush shifts – at the end of August or before Christmas. They didn't want anyone to acknowledge they had hired a werewolf. Remus didn't mind, though. He didn't like rush anyway.

He was used to reading during his free moments, but his last book choice was very bad and that was a sign, pleading for a break.

When the time came and he could finally close the shop, his head was hammering with nothing and he couldn't decide whether that was good or bad. He apparated home and there was silence. He was now used to so much silence. And every time he realised that, his soul jumped with joy. Marlene and Peter were working until six today and that gave Remus about one full hour of the free apartment. He decided to cook. His mother failed in this education and his attempts were poor in the best. He didn't care. And neither his mates.

He made something with mushrooms and potatoes and thyme. It smelled better than it tasted, but it was sort of improvement. Last time he cooked, the potatoes were burnt.

"It smells like in a restaurant, Remus!" Marlene cried with amusement. "Have you had a delivery?"

"Aren't you hungry?" Remus teased back.

"You bet!"

It was just after the dinner when the post came. And it was Peter who rose to get it.

"Hey, Remus? You have some relatives in the States?"

/

 **Sirius**

 _This ceiling has a colour of dead skin_ , Sirius noticed. _It has the same colour as my heels._ _Oh, well. I should probably use some pumice._ He was studying his feet in the position that will keep remind him that tomorrow when he heard some noise.

He stepped into the foyer and was all ears when he heard it again. It was a hesitant doorbell. Like when somebody doesn't push it properly so it just raucously rattles.

He narrowed his eyes and very quietly stepped closer to the door.

"Who is it?" He asked and put out his wand.

"It's Remus. Remus Lupin."

Sirius's wand slipped through his fingers and he was undertaking his another breakdown.

"What.. what do you want?" He managed.

"I came… I wanted to-"

"How did you get here?"

"I walked."

Sirius almost rolled his eyes. He leaned against the wall beside the door. "How did you get this address?"

"Oh, well…" There was a little fuss and then he noticed a white spot on the floor. Paper. Remus slipped some note under his door. It was his address. "She gave it to me."

She? "That bitch!" Sirius cried in the whisper tone he used for swearing.

"I want to apologize."

Sirius pouted his lips in mockery. "Oh, of course, you want."

"I do. I'm truly sorry. I… She explained me some things."

"Did she?"

"She did."

Sirius was silent. He didn't ask for any of it.

"This is ridiculous. And childish. Open the door, Sirius, please."

He was really considering he would turn away and go to bed and stay there until it would be safe to go out. He did turn away, went to his bedroom and grabbed his dressing gown. Then he grabbed the wand from the floor, took a breath and opened the door with the deepest frown he could manage. Frankly, he just wanted to see him.

"So?" He asked.

Remus lifted his eyebrows. His face was red; like he would be running.

"You wanted something?"

Remus took an exasperated sniff. "I wanted to say I am sorry. I owe you an apology. It was cruel, the way I behaved. She.. ehm.. Rebecca wrote me a letter, yesterday. She explained me your situation." Somewhere in the middle of his speech Remus lost his temper and started to seem sincere, almost shy. He rubbed his face and pulled the sleeves of his jumper. In the end, he looked around and added: "Can I just step inside?"

"Have somebody followed you?" He asked, suddenly startled, and pulled him inside by his elbow.

"No, I don't think so."

Sirius slammed the door and waited with an ear on it. He heard nothing.

"How many people have you told about this place?"

"What? No-one!"

"Where have you apparated?"

"I haven't. I told you I had walked. She gave me a special instruction, I followed all of it."

They were and weren't really staring at each other for a while. Sirius shifted his weighed and his engrained politeness broke the quiet.

"Do you want some coffee, tea… anything?"

"No no no… don't bother…" Remus hugged himself.

Sirius's mind was throwing its arms in the air. _What the hell is he doing here?_

"Actually, tea would be great."

He quickly turned to the kitchen and tied his gown tighter around himself.

"English Breakfast, Gunpowder, Mint, Chamomile?" He wondered if Remus noticed his fake tea expertise, how much he didn't want to say _Black_ in front of him.

"Mint's fine, thanks."

Sirius nodded and put the tea bag into a cup. No fancy.

"So? What did she tell you?" He didn't really want to know, but the silence was unbearable.

"Well, firstly she gave me a _talk_ , which I totally deserved. Then she was saying something about your ambitions, about your family…" Remus was now leaning against the kitchen table with arms crossed and eyes set on the floor. "I'm so sorry, I was stupid and-"

"I heard you the first time." Sirius hesitated, still facing the sink. "Why are you here, Remus? You just apologized, like for the third time. Your mission is done. You don't have to politely stick around."

"You just invited me for a tea." Remus tried to smile, but his mimics failed in the process.

"Don't play stupid with me, okay?"

Remus bit his lip. "How can you stand it?" He asked.

That was confusing, Sirius thought. "What?"

"No magic," Remus said and for clarifying he pointed to the kettle. Sirius touched it. It was still cold.

"I don't _stand it_. I enjoy it." Sirius turned around and took the same position like Remus, trying his best interrogation look. Where is his detective lamp when he needs it? "Did she ask you to keep me company? Well, you don't owe me anything. And I'm not that pathetic."

"No, she didn't say any of that sort."

"So what did she tell you?" He was scared. Scared that she went too far.

Remus patiently rubbed his palms and put them into his pockets. "She just told me about your situation, she said I was unfair and cruel, she gave me your address if I wanted to make things right."

"Right?"

"She meant to go and apologize. And she was right. I'm not usually that blind or heartless."

Sirius knew. And he frowned. "Again, Remus. What do you want?" He was doing it again. Being sharp and ruthless – he saw the way Remus shifted and covered his ribcage with his arms. How he looked everywhere but him and his face was all stony. He didn't want to go that way, though. He won't do the same mistake again.

"I want to be your friend," he finally said.

Sirius didn't have words for that.

"And…" Remus said slowly, glancing at him. "I wanted to ask you out." Now he said it. His face was a funny expression of his guts and panic. All perfectly engraved and stony.

Sirius didn't believe him. His eyebrows met and he put his hands into the pockets of his robe. "I can't go out."

Remus blinked. "Why?"

"Because. I am grounded."

The corners of Remus's lips twitched. "Okay…"

Sirius nodded and took the kettle off the cooker. He drowned their tea bags and put it aside.

"So I could take some dinner here."

"I don't really understand why you are doing this. You can't just change your opinion about somebody so quickly, Remus. It just doesn't work like that."

"Exactly! I want to get to know you."

Sirius put their cups on the table but moved away to the window. "You lived with me for seven years! You should know me already!"

"You are right," Remus nodded, but his face made clear, he is not prepared to lose this quarrel. "I should. But I don't. I have absolutely no idea who you are." He nodded again. "And somehow, it's really wrong."

"I don't care if you don't know me," Sirius lied. "You can't just ask people out for your better conscience!"

"I don't." Remus folded his arms. "I didn't ask you for my better conscience."

Sirius sighed and bowed his head. "And why did you ask me?"

Remus shrugged. "Because I wanted to."

"Because you wanted to," Sirius repeated with a tired voice.

"Second chance. That's all I'm asking."

Is there some way you can get a date out of an argument?

"You can't," Sirius said. Remus looked at him with narrowed eyelids. "You can't have a second chance when you didn't have the first one."

Sirius was tired. Very much tired. He was tired of always taking the hard way.

"And can I have the first one?"

Something had to sell him out when he was studying Remus's face – when he couldn't decide whether he is really earnest or just affected – because Remus smiled.

Sirius looked away and pouted.

"I could bring some film," Remus offered.

"I don't have a TV." Sirius put his hands in his pockets again and the tie on his gown loosened. He didn't bother to fasten it again.

"I will figure something out."

Sirius shrugged. He didn't understand why was he doing it. He didn't feel like hoping or giving himself into something. It felt more like… okay, get over with it, so I could get back to my own lonely life.

"What about Friday? Are you busy? Friday evening?"

Sirius sneered. "Do I look like somebody who is busy Friday evening?"

"Wonderful," Remus smirked. "So, it's all settled, then." He sipped his tea and then drank it all at once. "See you, Sirius. Thanks for the tea." He turned around and vanished. Muggle way vanished.

Sirius wondered when Remus lost his shyness.


	13. Chapter thirteen: explored

Chapter thirteen: explored

 **Remus**

He came home and made himself a coffee. Marlene was on her bed reading and Peter sang during his time in the shower. He thought he would burst. He thought he ought to tell someone. In ' _I THINK I HAVE A DATE WITH SIRIUS BLACK_!' kind of way. But he found out that he can't. Even though he wouldn't in the first place because he didn't want to break his word… he couldn't do it because he realized he cannot possibly share it. They wouldn't understand what was Remus feeling. He was so damn confused.

When the Friday came and he realized he is not any closer to apprehend himself he gave up. He spent his day in the shop wondering what film to choose, what meal to order (no, he wasn't cooking) and what clothes to wear. During the last hour of his shift, he started to take it seriously and just when he was getting all panicky his boss came into the picture.

He was kind, mostly understanding man with fauls as every human being – like jealousy, moodiness and too big self-confidence. He was used to do nothing, during a normal day, which reminded Remus of his last employer, but some days he chose to do the Great Ordering. He waved with his wand at the end of the opening hours for several minutes until the World Literature was in the place of the Health Corner, the class-books were spread across the narrow shelf of Foreign Language Spell Books and the Potion Books were beautifully arranged in and around a huge useless cauldron. Instead of a ' _hell no!'_ he said ' _heavens no!'_ and thought he was being more religious. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, he chose Remus for his friend and told him about his troubles. His hair was just starting to get grey and his masculine figure was just starting to get lost in his shirred robes. He was forty-nine.

"Remus, do you have any plans for tonight?" he asked in a solemn voice.

"It happened that I do." Remus nodded and took a last look at the state of the desk.

"Oh, okay. I was just wondering about something. It can wait, though."

Then, Remus noticed he felt better. The prospect of avoiding his date was disappointing, thus, he truly wants to see Sirius again, right? That must mean something! His resistance is just him being a chicken… And sadly, he is a wolf, not a chicken.

He took a long way home. He visited a video shop and it took him about another half an hour to decide whether he really should take his favourite documentary or just stay with some romantic comedy. Creepy as it is, he couldn't imagine watching _any_ romantic film with Sirius. He couldn't imagine _doing_ anything romantic with him. He remembered how for all their meeting this Tuesday Sirius wouldn't stop pointing his wand at him through his pocket. They will probably kill each other.

By the time he was finally knocking on Sirius's door he knew his mantra by heart. " _This is an absolutely new person. You don't know him. No prejudice. This is an absolutely new person. You don't know him. No prejudice. This is an absolutely new person…"_

Blank paper.

"Who is it?" muffled voice asked.

"Remus. Remus Lupin."

Sirius opened. "You would be surprised, but I don't know many Remus-es."

Remus grinned. "Just to prevent misunderstanding." He noticed the wand in Sirius's hand. In this muggle world, it felt like he would be holding a gun. Not quite pleasant.

"Can I take this?" He asked, pointing to the big box beside Remus's feet. ' _Gallant'._

"Sure," Remus made a move to the left and let Sirius take it. He followed him inside then.

Sirius dropped the box carefully on the living room carpet and put his wand on the coffee table.

"You've been cleaning up, eh?" Remus joked. Last time he was here the apartment wasn't particularly tidy.

"I was raised with standards." He shrugged.

"What kind of standards are we talking about?" Remus asked, sincerely interested, and put the bag with their dinner down.

"Having guests." He put his hands in his pockets and Remus felt suddenly oddly inappropriate.

"What about them?" He asked. ' _Gracious'._

Sirius seemed like he would decide. "Firstly, you should be comfortably seated," and he pressed Remus to the sofa. His knees failed. "Then you should have something delicious to drink," and with raised eyebrows, he offered him a choice between a bear and some red wine. He pointed with his chin to the bear bottle. "Then you should be entertained until the dinner is ready…" he made a scene with opening the dinner bag. "Voila, the dinner is ready. I'll get the plates…" and he left Remus amazed and speechless. ' _Dramatic'._

His outfit now felt more than he could stand. He chose a shirt and casual jumper and the place was hot. He could take the jumper off, but even that seemed inappropriate now.

In a shirt with rolled up sleeves and jeans, with hair messier than ever, Sirius was just the new person Remus was expecting.

Sirius divided their simple china into two portions and sat on the ground with one in his hands. That was odd. Considering his manners and all. Remus looked around. There was enough place for at least two other people on the sofa. He wasn't feeling wretched for him not choosing the place beside him, but he felt a bit put off. ' _Modest'._

"Is that a way how to treat your guest, too? To let them feel elevated so you need to look up to them?"

Sirius did look up to him and grinned drily. "Well, no… but that's the thought!"

It wouldn't be the first time – he liked the floor better, anyway – but he had never done it for anyone else. He sat down, leaning his back against the foot of the sofa.

"You are denying a rule number one."

"I'm doing no such thing. I am comfortable seated."

"I can see you aren't." Sirius raised from his place to fetch him some pillow, Remus figured.

"Let it be, Sirius. Sit down and eat. It's probably already cold, due to all the equipment and Muggle transporting, but it won't be better."

He handed him a pillow. Yellow with tassels. "Do you want to heat it up?" Sirius offered.

Remus shook his head very fiercely. "No. No thanks. No more heat," he said and flushed.

Sirius chuckled. "As you please." He was making a fun of him, he could feel it, but he has enough decency to go and open the window. ' _Wry.'_

They ate. And it was going fine. They had something better in their mouth than awkward bulls.

"So? What have you been doing all day?" Remus asked.

Sirius swallowed and wiped his mouth. "Well, I had a training until half past four. Then I went shopping."

"Shopping?" Remus was wondering if there was any possibility he could run upon him during his errands.

"Yeah… Groceries. Down the street." Sirius shrugged.

He nodded. "Right."

"What have you been doing?"

Sirius was looking at him; his plate empty; his fingers dirty.

"I'm working at the Flourish and Blotts," he said, unsure how to feel about it.

"Is that a nice job?" Sirius asked.

"In some ways…"

"Can I open this?"

The sudden topic change confused Remus, and he looked at the box, still lying beside them. "Sure… I should probably…" He got up and pulled out the videotape out of his backpack.

Sirius was busy with the TV and Remus couldn't decide if he should be ashamed of himself or not. When the TV was plugged in he handed him the cassette.

Sirius observed it and made a face. All of the humans are probably capable of making that kind of a face, but Remus never considered it as fitting for Sirius Black. All of his facial muscles were stretched in wild concentration not to laugh aloud. And just after a second, it was all gone and with a stony face, Sirius proceeded in getting their projection ready. Remus wondered whether it was his decorum or strict upbringing.

"So… before we will continue in this very solemn watching of new-borns I'll prepare this miraculous muggle poppy thing I've bought just for this occasions. It should stimulate our brain cells and whatever," Sirius said and put the remote down on the coffee table.

"Poppy thing? You mean like an opiate? I thought it does the opposite… inhibit your mind."

With a smirk, Sirius revealed after three minutes of perpetual popping. ' _Prankish'_ Remus didn't have a problem to distinguish between his old fiction and this new man. It wasn't difficult at all.

They sat, leaning against the base of the sofa, sharing popcorn and watching Remus's favourite documentary about babies of different families of different continents, and of different age. They didn't say another word during the whole time when the film was on, but it didn't felt that awkward as Remus had previously thought it would have. Sirius sat with the blanket around his lower body. Remus had refused one. That's all what to say about it.

When the film ended Sirius stopped playing with the un-popped blobs and stood up leaving the blanket on the ground. "Tea?" he asked.

"Yes. Thank you."

They went to the kitchen and Sirius leaned against the unit. "So… you think you know me better now?"

"…well. I'm getting there," Remus answered. "But I think I have more documentaries in reserve. Are you interested in the history of planes? I know one wonderful film about the beginnings of muggle flying." Remus, himself, wasn't particularly sure whether he was joking or not.

He was watching him solemnly, just the corners of his mouth twitched few times.

"Boats would be better," Sirius said.

"Floating's better than flying?" Remus doubted.

"Not everyone's enjoying heights, you know?"

"Yeah.. I'm familiar with this kind of a weakness." Remus grinned and Sirius's eyes widened.

"The kettle! I almost forgot."

By the time the tea was served, Remus had a second date.


	14. Chapter fourteen: expected

Chapter fourteen: expected

 **Sirius**

He heard the phone and he slowly approached it. Now, he wasn't sure who it was. It could be Becky or Remus. And he wasn't sure he wants to speak with any of them.

"Hello?"

"SIRIUS? CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

He almost jumped. For a moment he thought it's his father, but the screamer just continued to scream.

"I'M SO PROUD! YOU DID IT! OH MERLIN. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT… I MEAN I KNOW YOU RAN AWAY, THAT YOU WEREN'T DEAD OR SOMETHING, BUT JUST THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY THAT FIANCÉ OF YOURS… SHE GAVE ME THIS CONNECTION!... ARE YOU THERE?"

"Yes… please, Regulus, calm down. You can speak quietly; I can hear you very well."

"LIKe that? Can you hear me like that?" He asked again.

"Yes. Where are you?"

"I'm not sure. Hogsmeade, but I don't know this shop…"

"Are you sure nobody's listening?"

"Pretty sure, yes," said Regulus happily.

"How are you doing?"

Sirius sat on the floor enormously relieved to hear him again… He wondered how many people have got some letter from Becky about his contacts. She definitely made sure he will end up embraced with the various company.

He was just starting to feel grateful.

/

 **Remus**

The second date the next Friday wasn't much different from the first one. Remus brought a documentary about modern pirates in the Indian Ocean and they ordered pizza.

When Sirius offered tea he finally got the guts to ask him.

"Have you known? All that time, about me?" he asked.

Sirius seemed perplexed. "What about you?"

Remus gulped. "What I am."

Sirius smiled. Very kindly. "You mean about you being a werewolf?" And when Remus nodded he added: "Yes. That's not something you can hide that easily."

"So why didn't you tell anyone?"

And he was perplexed again. "Have you wanted me to?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Of course not. But I always expected you to… well… I wasn't sure you know, so… I was always very wary. I hated you for the uncertainty. Now I just don't get why have you never tell. I was awful to you."

Sirius looked away. "I would never… It didn't seem fair."

"How that didn't seem fair?"

"It didn't seem fair to spill your secret just because you weren't friendly. I don't know why I should have been crueller to you than to the others." ' _Fair'._

Remus could understand it. Still, he had his troubles. "But it's huge thing. Didn't that bother you?"

"It's not an issue, Remus. It has never bothered me at all."

That Remus couldn't understand.

"I've seen worse," Sirius added.

"You've seen a werewolf alive?" Remus was amazed.

"I have," Sirius nodded, amused. "We've been, Regulus and I… we've been forced to watch various creatures, just to comprehend the suffering and torturing of their preys."

He was speaking about his childhood memories with a light of the happiest child on the planet. Was he really that cynical or was he that skilled in hiding his true feelings. _Or_ , Remus though, _he is a lunatic and I'm wasting my time._

Remus slowly shook his head, unable to react on that.

"Yeah…" Sirius nodded again and drowned their tea-bags. "So… do you think you know me better now?"

And with that, he got his third date… and they were starting to create the pattern.

/

When he was thinking about Sirius Black, he tried to avoid certain thoughts. He tried not to get caught in the never-ending loop of doubts and apprehension. He tried not to get in the sphere of astonishment either… because nobody could be that perfect.

His very mum taught him that in his early age. " _Nobody, is, perfect… but that doesn't mean you're supposed to stop trying_." That's what she said. And it wasn't in that way that everything before the BUT is not counting.

The letter was weird. She seemed to sell Sirius out in the way that was suspicious in the best. He couldn't understand what made her be such a matchmaker and he wasn't buying it. Yet, every adjective she had used to describe her former fiancé was starting to prove right. Yes, he had his bad sites, like trust issues, paranoid issues or food issues, when he couldn't accept pineapples on his pizza, but Remus could understand that he adopted them during his tough upbringing.

 _It must have been tough_ , Remus thought, _when they couldn't have pineapples on their pizzas_. He was perhaps a lucky man, Remus, he never knew they haven't got any pizza at all.

/

 **Sirius**

 _What have you done, my sweet, sweet Becky…_ Sirius thought. _Isn't there enough suffering on the Earth?_

They were spending every Friday evening together now. Just two weeks back they had missed, because of Remus's condition and he still every week expected him not to show up. The weather started to get warmer and warmer, the Spring was coming, the flowers blooming, the wind sweetening the air… Crap. Sirius couldn't enjoy any of it. He was still mostly in than out. Still more in love then out of harm's way. More in-secure than out-going.

"So that's why my dad decided to buy the blue one… As a werewolves' eyes, he suspected to be more used to blue than peach."

He had no idea what Remus was talking about. He picked some documentary about colours and unusually he decided to speak during the projection. Sirius was watching him and it felt as he couldn't listen and watch simultaneously.

"He suspected that werewolves are similar to wolves and wolves to dogs… so that if dogs are colour-blind, werewolves would be too."

His eyes were shining. They were illuminated by the TV light, so there were blue and green flecks in them… but the primary colour was gold. It did good to him, Sirius thought, that he had fair hair and light eyelashes. His eyes looked brilliant then.

"It didn't cross his mind that I would be watching the walls as a human. He wasn't thinking like: " _He's a boy, he should have blue walls._ " But more like: " _He is a werewolf, we should paint it in the colour he could recognise._ " Sirius didn't know the voice and accent of Remus's father, but his impersonation was funny. He would laugh, but he was captured more than just.

Remus looked at him and Sirius startled, frightened. "Another popcorn?" he raised himself from the floor and left to the kitchen.

He was drowning again and he blamed her. He opened the window and stared at the outside. It was dark and welcoming. Jump?

"If you are tired of these, I could pick up something different," Remus said behind his back. "What films do you fancy."

Sirius turned around, the wind messing his hair.

"Comedies, fairy tales… mostly cartoons." Sirius smirked. "But I like these."

"You do, hum?" Remus doubted.

"Yes. I like muggle thinking." Sirius shrugged. "I like their attempts to explain magic with the science."

"What scientific explanation do you think they have for werewolves?"

Sirius contemplated for a while. Then he smirked once more. "I think they would see it as this fairy tale about the Beast. You just need the true love kiss."

Remus's eyebrows shot up. "And you're supposed to be the Belle, right?"

Sirius shrugged again. It was his first flirt and once it was out, he felt horrible. He turned around to look outside and bit his lip hard. "Well, I guess it's still the magic… so it will be some radiation or some kind of illness… I guess."

"Illness?"

"Yeah… Like mental disorder. They wouldn't believe in the body change, but they would think it's your brain, which's tricky."

"I see… Yeah. That sounds possible. Sometimes I feel like ravaging."

Sirius flushed hard and was glad for the opposite direction and the cool air. The tease was just too big.

"So Disney it is… next time," Remus said with a laugh in his voice. "Any preferences?"

Sirius turned around once more and grinned. "I like the Robin Hood film." He was probably getting lost in his enthusiasm.

Remus pursed his lips. "Oh really? I wouldn't guess."

Yes… he _loved_ Robin Hood. The fox was just so smart.

"So.. what about the popcorn?"


	15. Chapter fifteen: cared

Chapter fifteen: cared

 **Sirius**

He didn't care if he's being too prying. He hadn't been thinking about it much in the last months, but just last week he had made this discovery and he wasn't able to just let it go.

The conversation had started innocently when Sirius had asked him whether he would like to come back to Hogwarts or not…

 _"_ _I guess I would," Remus said. "There wasn't so much to care about but school and being discreet."_

 _"_ _Do you feel better now, when you don't have to hide so cautiously?" Sirius asked._

 _One corner of Remus's lips twitched, almost like he would like to smirk but didn't finish it. "I suppose it feels better. Yes.. but. … Well, I didn't have to take care of myself after the transformation, so that was helpful. Now it's a bit demanding… but I wouldn't change it. It did be awful, not to be certain whether I'm going to be expelled the next month or not."_

 _"_ _And your employer knows about you?"_

 _Remus nodded. "Yeah, there is something like werewolf codex… I established some rules about it and I follow it."_

 _Sirius smiled. "What's on it?"_

 _"_ _Well, first… no children. No more hiding. No victims… That sort of things."_

 _"_ _I don't think it would affect your children, Remus." Sirius doubted._

 _Now Remus smirked. "Even if we forgot about me being also gay… What would it be like for a child to have a father who is a werewolf? It's a bad start, don't you think?"_

 _Sirius frowned. "I had a bad start too… and I am really glad to be alive."_

 _He looked away. "Yeah… I'm glad too. But even so…"_

 _Sirius suspected Remus not to show up next time. And he did not._

It was a full moon, that Friday and Sirius sat in his bed with the sheets wrapped around his shoulders like in some cage. He had never realised how Remus manages to cope with his transformation afterwards. How he has to cure himself every time. It was too much for Sirius's conscience. He won't be sitting here doing nothing. Not ever again.

/

 **Remus**

He felt this dull pain around his temple for about an hour or so. He chose to ignore it. He knew it's not the wisest decision he had ever made, but he didn't care. His body didn't ache so much, no permanent damage… no reason to freak out.

The light was different. Subdued. And the ground was different. Soft. And when he opened his eyes he was in some unfamiliar bedroom. Warm. And he recognised the smell. Sirius'. And now was the time to freak out.

His breath came out sharp and needy. There was 13:42 on the alarm clock and he still felt too tired to be angry. He was here probably for a very long time. He started to drowse again, too comfy to do anything else.

He suspected Sirius for giving him some sleep potion. It was very late, about half past ten in the night, when he woke up again and in the meantime, he could reconstruct, Sirius came in few times to apply some ointment on his forehead. He remembered the vague thought that if he was something like a feline, he would probably start purring when Sirius's fingers still smeary with the ointment started massaging his skull. He probably looked very greasy now.

Remus laid still for a half an hour when Sirius came in again. He was just a figure against the hall light and Remus couldn't shape his disapproval on his face. He just stared at him as he approached the bed cautiously.

"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked and kneeled beside the bed. He raised a hand, but put it down again, sure that he can't touch him anymore. He looked more handsome this concerned, Remus thought.

"Unnecessarily good." Remus's voice creaked.

Sirius bit his lip. "I'm not sorry."

Remus broke into a smile. "You should be."

"Are you hungry?" Sirius asked. "I've bought a cookbook about nutritious meals and I've made this soup with potatoes, ginger, and veggies. It's called ' _To feel better'._ "

"You made it muggle way?"

"Yeah… I'm getting better, I swear. I used all the horrible beginnings on myself."

Remus half-way smirked. "Then I guess I'm hungry. Hungry as a wolf."

Sirius made a face, but he was polite as always and didn't mention how awful it was.

"Where are you sleeping?" Remus asked.

He pointed behind himself. "Sofa."

"You hate that sofa." His voice squeaked this time.

"Yeah, well… we've just found out we have something in common."

His face was full of shadows, not properly visible, and that made Remus wonder whether is Sirius being funny or he is truly content. "And what would that be?"

"Oh... You don't wanna know. You don't wanna to know."

Sirius smiled lightly and Remus chuckled.

They were looking at each other and it was easy. Remus couldn't tell where was Sirius looking and he suspected that even Sirius couldn't see his face very well.

He had been trying so hard. It's two months now. More than two months, actually… And that was the first time he felt some progress. Sirius's face was expressing some sort of a concerned look; the way you look on a defenceless puppy. It wasn't exactly what Remus had been hoping for, but it was something.

"If you would like to kiss me, I promise I won't be running away this time." No. Even if he could, he wouldn't do the same mistake again.

He saw the puzzlement, but when Sirius broke into an amused grin, he knew it was lost.

"You are so drugged," Sirius snickered and placed his hand on Remus's cheek, rubbing his thumb over the bone. "You don't know what you're talking about." He raised from the ground and turned around. "I'll get you the soup."

Another failure, Remus scowled. By now, he had thought, they would have had their second first kiss over. He knew that building trust takes time and building on the ruins is even harder, but nothing seemed to help it. Every time Remus look at him and they weren't talking, Sirius made some shitty excuse for escaping the moment. And there had been so many of them. The right moments.

Like that time when they were watching this documentary about whales and there was this long long scene of pure oceans and calm background music with the whale's singing and he felt and heard Sirius's quiet laugh, because it was really funny. So he looked at him and Sirius stopped laughing. For all the wrong reasons.

Or that time when Remus was already on his way out and Sirius stopped him on the stairs and pushed him the forgotten cassette, making him totter dangerously and catching him almost like in that TV show he's once seen.

Or when he opened the door still in his pyjamas, because this guy who trains him took him out for the night the day before and he just woke up absolutely bewildered. Remus had to guide him to the bedroom to change and he wondered if all of Sirius's mornings looked like that. Or if all of his mornings _he_ looked like that.

Or the last time when he looked at him with that wolfish grin he could master when he felt like it and started to talk about the Disney films. He thought he was going to lose it that time. That smile. He used it two times during their 'dating'. And the first time was when he started to talk about his brother. He let Remus stare at him for long minutes just watching and occasionally humming. That was the smile from the ice cream café. The one that made you all wobbly and stupid. The one that made him realise: ' _that's why I am here.'_ Or during some nights even: ' _that's why I was born.'_

/

There was a bath in that apartment. Nothing rich, no legs… but it had hot water and nice scented bubbles. He got out only when the water started to get unpleasantly cold. He knew it wasn't the warmness that kept him in, but there was nothing else he could do to postpone what have to come.

Now was the time to deal with serious issues. He put on his clean clothes and left the steamy bathroom.

"Hey…" Sirius greeted him in the kitchen, sipping something from the large mug and reading newspapers. "I thought you drowned already."

It was a clear sign now, Remus had noticed, when Sirius was making bad jokes, he was trying to hide something. A feeling, a truth, a lie…

"Do you want some coffee?" He asked and pointed to the glass kettle full of black liquid.

"No, thanks. I should probably go." Remus shrugged. "Tomorrow's Monday and I have to be at work, so…"

"You can stay here if you want. You said that there isn't so much quiet and space to-"

"I'm feeling great, thank you. And in this time I'm always already home from the visit. Marlene and Peter… they. I don't want to be more suspicious than I already am, so…"

Sirius snorted. "That's ridiculous. They have to know by now. There's no way they would be that blind."

Remus closed his eyes. They were getting in the wrong direction.

"How did you find me?" He asked bluntly.

Sirius looked away and out of the window. "You left enough indicia last time. About the shack, about the healing process, how you lock yourself in…"

"But I've never told you the exact location." Remus needed to know. Nobody knew about his secret place but him and his dad. And there was no way Sirius would go to ask his father.

Sirius looked down, frown around his mouth. "I applied the tracking potion on your clothes last time."

So that was the great revelation. Remus sighed.

"I'm not sorry, though. I understand that you are angry… But I don't think you should undertake it alone ever again."

Remus approached him slowly and mirrored his posture. Folded arms, frown, fierce look.

"Could you be honest for about a minute or so..? What do you think we are doing here? All those Fridays we've spent together? What do you think we've been doing? Name it."

Sirius was silent and after a while, he looked away.

"I call it dates. I thought we've been dating."

Again, no response.

"I wasn't drugged last night, okay? I'm not running away." Remus was heaving now and when nothing else happened he heavily sighed and took a step back. "I've never had the first chance, have I?"

He swallowed and shook his head. "You've got this special day tomorrow, right?"

Sirius glanced at him. "Yeah. Changing lifestyle."

Remus nodded. "See you on Friday then, I guess." He waited for the affirmation and then he turned around. He put on his shoes in the foyer and took his jacket. Sirius stand beside him and waited to say goodbye as they always did. And he couldn't leave just like that.

He took two steps closer and hugged him around his waist. "Thank you." He waited, and finally, Sirius put his arms around him too. He had never noticed how huge he was. All muscles and strength… he couldn't believe that someone who spent so much time at home can have this shapes.

Sirius was letting him go and he loosened his grip too. Just a bit. And then he turned his head. Just a bit. And again, he waited.

He isn't pushing it too much, is he?

It was up to Sirius after all. He could kiss or let. And he was hesitating and hesitating, for seconds and minutes… but Remus was patient. He won't run away.

He offered reassuring squeezes and glances at his mouth which had seemed to help last time and then he closed his eyes to demonstrate how ready he was. And when Sirius kissed him he just wanted to dance and scream ' _YES_!', but decided against it and just stood still and calm and let Sirius end it, because he wanted to make a point here. But he wasn't. He wasn't ending it.

The kiss went on and on and it was so so loving Remus had a trouble to understand it. Sirius kissed him from various angles and with a different intensity that made Remus's body tired again even though he couldn't imagine to ever be tired of it. He melted into him like the first time in the café's kitchen, but this time, he didn't want to stop himself.

When they started to share more breath than touch Sirius made clear that was the end of it. "Don't you have someplace to be?" He asked teasingly.

Remus wanted to protest, still holding him, but Sirius pushed him gently away.

"Come on, you don't want them to be more suspecting."

Remus looked him in the eyes and saw that he was breaking him. He was breaking his façade.


	16. Chapter sixteen: loved

Chapter sixteen: loved

 **Sirius**

There were about fifty seats. One improvised stage in the back of the gym. And the only one standing was Sirius, carefully watching the little crowd bellow himself, and Mad-Eye Moody, who gave him the pat with his wand.

There was unbearable silence. When others were coming up to the stage to take this accomplishment, so they were permitted to the confidential departments for the study purposes, they've been applauding and cheering… at least the family members were. He really didn't care about applauding, he definitely disdained any cheering and he certainly hoped there were none of his relatives… but he made a mayhem on their special day and they didn't know how to react.

Sirius suspected his parents to show up, or at least to see someone sent by them. They knew about the Auror training by now and they knew he's not dead. He just couldn't see anyone among the gathered people. Somehow, he felt it's a bad sign.

"You shall pass," Moody said and let go of his arm.

Sirius came down and seated himself in the first row, where the other qualifiers were, leaving several free seats between them. His hands were all sweaty, holding onto his wand tightly. He felt safe, though. He could protect himself. It was just social awkwardness that kept him from being cool.

"Ehm.. Excuse me," he heard some talking in his proximity and he looked that way.

The event was over, he realised, and there were his old schoolmates around his seat. _Shit_ , Sirius thought. _I wanted to be off before the official end of it._

He couldn't tell who was speaking. There were all of them, so close and he felt a bit intimidated.

He cleared his throat. "Yes?"

"We are having a small celebration, just us, in the _Blast 'n Scrap_. Are you coming along with us?" said James Potter.

They were looking at him. Lily and James Potter, Alice and Frank Longbottom and Henry Crossworm. Their smiles and encouraging looks sullied their faces.

"I don't really think it's a good idea," he finally said.

Some of them sighed, some of them lost their smiles, but Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes and pulled him out of his chair. "Oh, get over yourself, Black. We want to make a nice gesture and apologise, so take it and come."

She pushed him to the exit doors and he was suddenly embraced by the company of strangers of the same history. He felt their excitement, their friendship and couldn't believe what was happening to him.

They went outside and Sirius realised that they were probably protecting him from any possibility of an attack and he wondered whether Moody told them to do so or not.

He looked around and saw the groups of other people chatting and laughing. Why that was such a big event he couldn't tell, but it certainly was. It might be due to the high level of failures. If someone passed this step, he usually did the others too. He scanned the perimeter and saw this familiar loner among the fun. And he couldn't help his smile.

"I'll be back in a minute," he said and headed to him.

"Congratulation," Remus said.

"Thanks," Sirius grinned.

Remus put his hands into his pockets and glanced behind Sirius's back. "They are waiting for you."

He bit his lip. "Yeah.. it seems I have friends now," he joked but immediately hated himself for that. Remus gave him a look. "They invited me to some private party, I bet they would be thrilled if you come too."

Remus gave him another look. "They, hum?"

Sirius stared.

"Anyway," he shook his head. "I don't think it's really my place, so…"

"Well, you know it should be," Sirius said, convinced to be right. Remus was the only one who had beaten him absolutely every time they had duelled back at Hogwarts. Every time.

Remus shrugged and pursed his lips. Clearly agitated.

"Please? I'm not sure I can handle so many strangers." … No, he was sure it would drive him mad.

Remus chuckled and smirked. Then he made a move and kissed him quick. "I will wait at your place, okay?" He closely inspected Sirius's face for an affirmation and for the first time in his life he couldn't control himself, his features widened and he grinned like a maniac.

"Okay," he bit his bottom lip, but the idiot face would not fade.

Remus snorted and took a step back.

"You can use your wand to get in now," Sirius said. "Or you can apparate inside. I will do the protection spells later."

"Right," Remus nodded and with the last smile he turned around and vanished.

Sirius felt the crimson spread his cheeks when he realised they were probably watched. He scratched the back of his head and approached his new fellows.

/

He carefully opened the door and placed some first protection spells that came onto his mind. Then he kicked off his shoes and managed to get off his robe. He was used to muggle clothes now, they were definitely more comfortable, so he wore them underneath. Getting through the hallway, he took a breath and looked inside the living room. Just then he heard some noise coming from the kitchen.

"Hey," Remus greeted him. He sat on the kitchen chair with knees drawn up to his chin, hugging some book. "I wasn't expecting you this early."

Sirius shrugged. "I could come back later."

"That would be ridiculous."

He smirked. "I guess so." He took the kettle from the cooker and filled it with water. "They were asking about you."

"I bet they did. ' _Who was that scarry freak who kissed you there_?'"

"Well… it was more like: ' _Why hasn't Remus joined us?_ '"

He snickered. Sirius felt it as a bigger achievement than his promotion.

"So? How was it?" Remus asked.

The truth was, he wasn't really sure. He shrugged. "Good, I think… We've been drinking and eating and they were talking, so…" He shrugged again and almost added ' _I missed you there._ '

"I borrowed this, do you mind?" He showed him the book.

Sirius frowned, he wasn't recognising it.

"From your bedroom?" Remus helped.

"Aah, yes!...Yes, I hated that one." He nodded confidently.

Remus didn't believe him, though, frowning and smirking at the same time. "Really?"

"Yeah… I mean, the main character was really awful. I hated him and I hated that society. Snobbish and vicious." He raised his eyebrows… "Nothing I would need to read about." He looked at the kettle and frowned. "Why am I doing this?" He pointed his wand at the cooker and the kettle started to whistle.

"Magic," Remus laughed.

Sirius poured the water into their cups and handed the mint one to Remus, taking the book from his hand.

" _The Picture of Dorian Grey."_ He recited. "I absolutely forgot about this one." Sipping his tea, he headed to his bedroom. "What made you choose it? There are much better books."

He put the cup on his bedside table and took down one of his favourites.

"This one. I liked this one the most," he said firmly and looked at Remus deliberately. "It was so accurate, even though the author is a muggle. It's almost as he would know."

" _White Fang_?" Remus laughed and came closer. "You realise that my fangs aren't white, right?"

Sirius smirked, but it was soon gone, he decided this was as good time as ever.

"It had nothing to do with you," he said. Putting the books in Remus's arms, he took a step back. "Don't startle," he said and transformed.

There was this time in the middle of the transformation when he couldn't be sure if he did it right. Not a human, not a dog. And in this meantime, he heard the books rattle to the floor.

He looked up at him, cautiously hovering and waiting for Remus to pat him. He did not, so he pushed his muffle forward to his hand and to his knee, being importunate until Remus lowered himself and rubbed his fur.

"You continue to amaze me," Remus mumbled. "Let's see… Yeah. What pretty white fangs."

When he transformed back, he smelled all musky and his hair was matted, but he didn't feel as it would matter. He picked up the books and glanced at Remus. "I thought it would be a good idea to became an unregistered Animagus for safe purposes," he said for his defence.

Remus was still silent, so he put the books back on the bookshelf. "And I was thinking lately, that it would do you good… that I could. I think I can help you during your transformations."

"Not an option." Remus frowned.

"Well, think about it. You won't be dangerous to me in the dog form. And you wouldn't be that lonely… thus, you wouldn't be that hurt," he said pleadingly. "…I think, at least."

Remus was looking at him solemnly. His arms folded and his shoulders tense.

"Just promise me to think about it," Sirius begged.

Remus looked away and nodded; he took two steps closer and rested his forehead on Sirius's shoulder.

"You are trying too much," he said. "I would love you for less."

Sirius took a sharp breath. "What have you just said?"

He felt his smile on his neck. "Do you want me to repeat it or say it straightforward?"

He felt the kiss on his neck. " 'm not sure."

That made Remus snicker and that ticklish feeling sent a nervous shiver down his spine. Remus let him go and seated himself on the bed, leaning against the headboard.

Sirius felt a bit overwhelmed.

"Come here," Remus grinned. "I don't bite."

Sirius covered his face with his hands, unable to stop himself from howling. He should stop with these puns, Sirius thought, it made him feel a bit sick every time.

He sat beside him and stared ahead.

"Sirius?" He pulled his elbow and Sirius turned to him.

"Yes?"

He was quiet for a while and then he pulled him down, so they were laying and facing each other.

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want me?"

He didn't know why they had to be lying for this conversation but it seemed to help. It felt more intimate and with that easier. He looked at his scars, at his pale freckles, at the questioning mouth and thought he had never seen anyone or anything he would want more.

"Yes."

Remus nodded. "Good."

"I've been thinking lately," Sirius said, glancing from one Remus's eye to another.

"I see…" Remus grinned.

"Shut up," he felt his face reddened as he tried to grasp his guts. "I've been thinking about what you've said someday about your place and… I came to the conclusion that…" He looked down on Remus's shoulder, that felt weirdly safer. "I have a spare room you know? So… If you would like to, you may stay there." He glanced up and was met with an expectation. "You would have space and quiet there, you wouldn't have to care about being exposed… I could take care of you when you need it. I think it's a win-win deal." He tried to take it matter-of-factly, but he wasn't that good at lying to himself.

Remus's eyes narrowed and he offered a little smile. "And what if I don't want to sleep in that spare room?"

Sirius kissed him. Oh, he could. "And where would you wanted to sleep?"

He was kissed back. "I don't know. Where else can I?"

"There is always that bad sofa," Sirius offered and put an arm around him.

"Yeah… we better get rid of it."

"Do we?"

"Uhm."

He moved to kiss his nose but missed and kissed his cheekbone instead. "Well, then I guess you would have to sleep here."

"I guess."

Remus was hovering over him and planted kisses all over his face.

"Sirius."

"Yes?"

"Do you love me?"

…

"Yes."

"I thought so."

"Oh, did you?"

"Yeah. I guess I know you better now."


End file.
